Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Lancair]

The reason why baby nappies have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will

[Chimo]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,






Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room, Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & dodder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way .......Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me, ..................


I've Quit Drinking!

[Chimo]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
...
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

[wayno60]

A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"

He says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," she replies, "I won $12 , here's $6 - now piss off!"

[cormorant]

The best lawyer ...


The Salvation Army realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly, "the lawyer said, "did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

And then the lawyer said, "So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[cormorant]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.





A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[cormorant]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

[kingcray]

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. Dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.


He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,


'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 31kgs that week...

[littlejim]

(hope it hasn't been put up b4)

The Last Kiss

Back on January9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn'twant to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend'opportunity either so he asked... "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[groverwa]

MARKETING
One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's former President Bill Clinton.
* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America

[cqfreshie]

Attendance call on the first day back at a school in Auburn.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
"Ali Son al Len" Silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al Len", continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

She repeated, "Is this the name of any child here?"

A girl stood and said, "I think that's me, Miss. It's pronounced Alison Allen"

[Chimo]

B&Q

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big **** and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.



After landing my new job as a B&Q “Greeter”, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, tattooed Bognor Babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B&Q." I then said "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B&Q."

My Supervisor said that I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Goodoo haven]

An elderly man in Queensland , Australia had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can sure think fast



...... the sight made his day ...

[Chimo]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[Chimo]

Just a tad different to words..............

Remember Ken Block?