Originally Posted by sparkyice
didn't realise it was named by a Kiwi.
didn't realise it was named by a Kiwi.
The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard in Orange, seemed to be far too qualified for
the job; given her arts and education degrees from Sydney University and her job as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said,
I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times, owned two Fords, supported the Wallabies, and I voted for Julia Gillard."
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a
living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside,
"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Labor Party and is helping to get Rudd re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
What could go wrong.......................
MALE VS. FEMALE LOGIC!
Woman:
Do you drink Guinness?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $9.00
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a Guinness costs $9 and you have 3 a day which puts your spending each month at $810. In one year, it would be approximately $9855 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $9855, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $197,100, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much Guinness, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink Guinness?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
What could go wrong.......................
Pensioner's reply re Coles
Didn't like shopping there anyway.
Yesterday I was at my local COLES store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Coles. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
What could go wrong.......................
Teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Billy says "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200ft yacht, an infinite Visa card, and I want to screw her three times a day...."
The teacher, deeply shocked, ignores the boy, and turns to little Nancy, and asks "What about you, dear?"
"I wanna be Billy's bitch!"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
Remember to always log on before heading offshore.
Old married couple watching TV. Man keeps flipping between a fishing show and porn. Wife finally says: "Leave it on the porno! You already know how to fish!"
Old Sea Story...
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first lieutenant that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The “Jimmy” responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The “Jimmy” went straight to the stokers mess deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you men smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."
He continued, "Garrett, you change with Shorten, Crean, you change with Ferguson, and Wong, you change with Thompson ."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
What could go wrong.......................
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.Chicken Surprise
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightlyand she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over,explains what is happening, and demands an explanation..
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
(You're going to love this, and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!)
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.
Dad reckons fishing is 10% brains and 95% muscle, the rest is just good luck.
What could go wrong.......................
Tony Abbott is our PM
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO US ALL - THE GOLDEN YEARS!
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car."
This is why there called, " the Golden Years!"
I have a true story like that.
My Aunt and Uncle met for dinner at Indooroopilly Shoppingtown and then went to see a movie. They went home together in my Uncles car. Next morning my Aunt figures her car has been stolen and reports it to police. A few days later the police call her and say they found her car, locked up at the shopping centre with no signs of forced entry. She went a collected the car, thanking the police for doing a great job. She never did tell them that she now realises that's where she parked it!
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does..."
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