Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

the frog …

A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street, dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' & knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy & asked what he wanted.

He said: ''I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to pay for it & I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she asked him in.

The Madam told him to select any of the girls he liked.

He asked: 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said: 'No'.

The boy said: 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber – she’s the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant & had the money to pay, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, & headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him & asked: 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease?’

The boy said: 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum & Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car & he'll catch the disease.

Then, when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he & Mum will go to bed & have sex, & Mum will catch it.

In the morning, after Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum & catch the disease, & HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

[groverwa]

A young Law student, having failed one of his Law exams,

Goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his
razor-sharp legal mind.


Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"



Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor,


would I?"



Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question.


If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my
marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer,
however, you'll have to give me an "A".



Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"



Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and


neither logical nor legal? "



The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the
answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student'sfailing mark
into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.



The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all


afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of



his brightest students and tells them he has a really,really tough question



to answer:



"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical


nor legal? "



To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students


immediately raised their hands.



"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer


"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old
and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical..
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A",
which is neither legal, nor logical."

[Goodoo haven]

She was lying in bed one night. I was falling asleep but she was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily I reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, I reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
... Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, I threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"

[Lancair]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYuzDabqmbc

[Lancair]

A man came into hospital with swollen balls. The Doctor looked at them and said "Now then how did this happen"?

"I was walking through some long grass and crouched down to tie my shoe lace" says the man "Suddenly a rabbit trap snapped shut on my balls."

"Jesus that must have hurt" says the Doctor."

"Not as much as it did when the chain ran out" says the man.

[groverwa]

I said sit

[ozynorts]

INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S. “Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
________________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj’s Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.
__________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy’s Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
___________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk’s Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now,get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu’s Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
____________________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee’s Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
___________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash’s Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj’s Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------(editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[wayno60]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then ...said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[sparkyice]

'brian jonson' sings the hokey pokey song


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=PDKAekDXPcw

[littlejim]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on hisback, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfergot his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well,ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you'reall right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise."

And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,"the little guy says."I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game isfantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now,thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'monnow," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?"responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," saysthe golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[Chimo]

RYE BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high

And you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit, but me.."

[groverwa]

Little Johnny


Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a damn cat!!!

[Goodoo haven]

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't take off your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

[Goodoo haven]

Medicare

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

[Goodoo haven]

We all remember the KFC "Julia Meal"

Small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the “Rudd” Bucket: it consists of nothing but left wings

and an arsehole.