Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Goodoo haven]

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne .. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R �
Allah be Praised."
Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

[lostandbroke]

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

[solemandownunder]

Little Johnny came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

Little Johnny replied that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked he if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing,

To which he replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

[Gon Fishun]

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

[Gon Fishun]

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in OUR garden. Let's see how they like it!"

[2 weis]

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

Touching story, isn't it!

[spinyeel]

Ivan Milat was walking deep into the forest one night with a couple of backpackers.
One of them says 'Ivan,it's so cold,dark and scary out here'.
Ivan replies,'It's alright for you two,I've gotta walk back on me own"

[Gon Fishun]

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

[Gon Fishun]

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

[groverwa]

A male worm meets a female worm. The male worm says, "How about you and I going back to your place?"

The female worm replies, "Fine" and they go to her burrow in the soil. The male worm notices a picture of the female worm with another guy-worm. The male worm asks, "Is that your husband?"

The female worm replies, "Yes."

The male worm says, "I'm really sorry but I do not indulge myself with married worms."

The female worm says, "There's nothing to worry, my husband's not coming back."

The male worm asks, "How can you be so sure?"

The female worm replies, "That's because he got up early this morning and went fishing!"

[sparkyice]

i got a carton of worms at a local box store just the other day. on the lable, true story, were the words:

"our worms catch fish or die trying"

[sandman55]

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . ... The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[wayno60]

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
... his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

[groverwa]

beware of the dangers

[littlejim]

*Irish Vasectomy*

*
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children ...
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to
go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy
in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and for NSW* rugby league
supporters.....................

*modify to taste