Reply With Quoteso, when a couple of the younger guys at work found out how old i was on my birthday, they started calling me a "Flatulasaurus".
i don't know what it means, but i don't think i much care for it.
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance
Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts
at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. However,
Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that
he had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem.
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with
that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes, I will marry you & learn to live with your infant size winky.'
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, and holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran
out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is .... 6 pounds, 10 ounces, 19 inches long.'
What could go wrong.......................
so, when a couple of the younger guys at work found out how old i was on my birthday, they started calling me a "Flatulasaurus".
i don't know what it means, but i don't think i much care for it.
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear.
He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him.
He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You a*******, I'm drowning."
Clever QANTAS Flight Attendant
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant to explain it to him.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did”.
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you."
AN ETHICAL DILEMMA
What if you were playing in a penants final and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.
You had the honour and you hit your ball straight down the middle of the fairway on the difficult 18th hole, leaving a straight forward 6 iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, carving it deep into the trees on the right of the fairway.
Being the gentleman you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted 5 minutes search period ends, your opponent says: “go ahead and hit your shot, and if Idon't find it in time, I'll concede the match”
You head back and hit your second shot, landing it on the green where it runs up and stops 3 metres from the pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the trees, “I found it!”. The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking the ball well, and it comes sailing in, lands on the green, and stops a hand's width from the pin!
Here lies the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it, or do you keep your mouth shut?
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled of
beer sat down on a
subway next to a priest.
The man's
tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and
a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He
opened his
newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes
arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's
caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your
fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a
bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,
Then returned to
his
paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said,
nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm
very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had
arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here
that the
Pope does."
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."
a middle aged couple was travelling to pittsburg to attend the woman's niece's wedding.
poor old george just did not want to go. at all. he hated her family and they hated him. it was going to be a week of absolute misery. he just wanted to stay home, alone.
at the ticket counter, after a short wait, the clerk appeared. george about swalowed his gum- the clerk was a dead ringer for kim kardashian! a stunning beauty, dressed in a tight, revealing dress. enough to make any man's knees weak!
poor george, he could feel his wife's icy stare burning into the very core of his being as he tried to maintain his composure and purchase their tickets.
when she asked how she may help him, george's mind raced- he knew hios wife would be angry with him for looking at the girl, she just knew what he must be thinking about the girl, he was in trouble.
he began to stammer and stutter, trying to buy the tickets when he lost it- he blurted out..." I I I I'd li li like two ti ti ti Pickets to Tittsburg, please."
the clerk smiled warmly and printed him two tickets to Pittsburg.
well, needless to say, it was the longest week of poor george's life.
upon their arrival home, george's wife insisted they attend marriage counselling so george could see what a disgusting animal he truly was.
when they related their story to the counsellor, he meerly smiled, leaned back and spoke matter of factly:
it was only a Freudian slip, he said, perfectly normal for any one to do when under stress.
"why," he said, "it happened to me just the other day at breakfast. i meant to ask my wife to pass me the jam, and instead it came out 'YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE YOU MISERABLE BITCH!!!' ."
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
I am truly perplexed that so many people are against a mosque being
built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant.
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could
call one of the clubs, "The Turban Cowboy", which would be gay, and the
other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called " Iraq o'
Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps
Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins with short burkas in the window
modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop, a liquor store called "Morehammered."
they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.
If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good
plan, please pass it on for the sake of tolerance.
Just in case it hasn't been put up before
A man wakes up in hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes inand says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your ##### was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new #####. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly £1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up.
”So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
On the other hand, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.” The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
”Yes I have,” says the man.
”And has she helped you make a decision?”
”Yes,” says the man.
”What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
”We’re getting granite bench tops.”........
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life, finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
drinks.......
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night. "
You gotta LOVE Grandmas!
What could go wrong.......................
Maybe this belong elsewhere, perhaps the Bilge?
There is a lot of truth here. Think about it.
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old ringer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old bloke.
Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard and her role as our prime minister. The old ringer said, 'Well, ya know mate, Julia is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old ringer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old ringer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she’s up there, she’s elevated beyond her ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put her up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet.
What could go wrong.......................
i went to the zoo the other day and came across this cage .the only thing in the cage was a Baguette laying on the ground .I was confused until I read the sign on the cage . it said Bred In Captivity
a man goes to the doctors complaining he cant stop singing Green Green Grass of Home . all day every night continually singing the bloody song . the doc runs a few tests and tells the patient he suffers from Tom Jones Disease. The man asks it that a common illness to which the doctor replies: Its Not Unusual:
I went to a cut price zoo the other day and all it had there was a cage with a small dog in it .what a shitzoo that was
A very clever analogy on politics!!!
ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
Two Different Versions.... Two Different Morals
OLD VERSION
The antworks hard in the witheringheat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs anddances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopperhas no food or shelter, so he dies outin the cold.
MORALOF THE STORY:Be responsible for yourself!
MODERNVERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long,building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopperthinks the ant is a fool andlaughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshoppercalls a pressconference and demands to know why the antshould beallowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
Channels 7, 9 and 10,the ABC and SBS show up to provide pictures of theshivering grasshoppernext to a video of the antin hiscomfortable home with a table filled with food.
Australia is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopperis allowed tosuffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprahwith the grasshopperand everybodycries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Acornstages a demonstration in front of the ant's house wherethe news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'
Cardinal George Pell then has the group kneel down to prayto God for the grasshopper's sake.
Prime Minister Gillardcondemns the antand blames John Howard,Robert Menzies, Capt James Cook, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.
Bob Brown exclaims in an interview on Today Tonight that the anthas gottenrich off the back ofthe grasshopper and calls for
an immediate tax hike on the antto make him pay his fair share.
Finally, Labor in conjunction with the Greens draft the EconomicEquity & Anti-Grasshopper Actretroactive tothe beginning of the summer.
The antis fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugsand, havingnothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and given to thegrasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopperand hisfree-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’sfood while thegovernment house he is in, which, as you recall,
just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around thembecause the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopperis found deadin a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by agang of spiders who terrorise the ramshackle,once prosperousand once peaceful, neighbourhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY:Be careful how you vote inSeptember, 2013.
Whats the difference between "Bird" flu and "Swine" flu?
When you contract "Bird" Flu you just need tweetment but when you contract "Swine" flu to need oinkment...
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