Little Johnny runs down the stairs in tears.
His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
Mother was out, and dad was in charge.
She was maybe 2 1/2 years old.
Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Mum waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),
"'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.
Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be direct
I was vacuuming my flat today and did what every single man on this planet has done at least once when vacuuming ...
I looked at the vacuuming , and then looked at my #####, then I looked at my hoover and then my #####, and thought to myself, hang on a second, I've got a #####, why am i doing the vacuuming !
Woman is a man's best friend. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and regret.She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.She will make sure he always feels that he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of Beer.
It’s Beer that does all that.
Sorry.
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they'd become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the
surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table
in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool
at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Patrick: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Patrick and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Patrick: - 'Scuse me.... No offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Patrick: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ..... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Patrick: - Er ... Mmm ....... Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Patrick: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Patrick: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Patrick: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ......... Built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?
Patrick: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Patrick: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Patrick: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Patrick: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Patrick: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Patrick returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Patrick: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Patrick: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Patrick: - Well then, you're a w@nker
Dad reckons fishing is 10% brains and 95% muscle, the rest is just good luck.
Two Crocodiles........ THIS IS A GOOD ONE !!
Two Crocodiles were sitting by the side of the swamp near the river.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age. We were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an @sshole and a briefcase."
Dad reckons fishing is 10% brains and 95% muscle, the rest is just good luck.
>>> The Aldi Doctor...
>>> One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My
>>> elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
>>> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
>>>
>>> "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine
>>> sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
>>> about It.
>>>
>>> It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a
>>> doctor."
>>>
>>> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.
>>>
>>> He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
>>> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>>>
>>> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>>> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>>> activity.
>>> It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."
>>>
>>> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
>>> Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>>>
>>> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
>>> from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good
>>> measure.
>>>
>>> Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits
>>> ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>>>
>>> The computer prints the following:
>>>
>>> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2.
>>> Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
>>> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>>> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>>> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
>>> get better.
>>>
>>> Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
Dad reckons fishing is 10% brains and 95% muscle, the rest is just good luck.
Heheheh!......
Little Johnny strikes again...
Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f....ing accident either!'
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
The teacher asked the class to use the
word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
And we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but
I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My
Family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said,
'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised
His hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided
There was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on
him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman ,,,,
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. She yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke...
'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
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