This has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 22
million people.
If you don't want to sign, and in order not to lose any names, just
hit
forward and send it on.
Please keep it going!
To show your support for Prime Minister Gillard and the great job she
is doing please go to the end of the list and add your name.
1. Tim Mathieson
2.
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, Pat and I were out for a few drinks with some friends at the Bondi Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
...
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and
get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio....
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . .
looking over some coins i had in my pocket, i noticed one well worn that made me think "oh, thats an old one- better have a closer look. might be worth something"...well it was woth $ .25, the face value. more dissapointing was that it was from 1982 , the year i graduated from high school.
i've had to start dating younger women. the ones my age are all getting old.
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
Well, that was awkward. Went to pay for groceries, the check out chick said "Strip down, facing me".....
So I did
I shot my first duck last week.
Scared the hell out of the people in the frozen foods section.
The best divorce Letter,ever !
FIRST LETTER:
My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.
I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal
& even wore a brand new nighty
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!
REPLY: Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching.
Too bad that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......
and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because
I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nighty: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it,
& I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday,
I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
This is truly an extraordinary find!
Rare footage of Australian Fed Treasurer, Wayne Swan's childhood has recently surfaced...
http://i.imgur.com/XaiUx.gif
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of prawns
Then I saw a redbelly black with a frog in his mouth.. Frogs aregood barra bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me
with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head,took the frog,
and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the problem was how to
Release the snake without getting bitten.
So, I grabbed my bottle of
Jack Daniels and poured a
little whiskey in its mouth. His
eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake
without incident and carried on
fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge
on my foot. It was that snake,
with two more frogs.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There’s no water deep enough to
float a boat within 160 Klms of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his tinnie",
pointing to the paddock behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the
tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Queensland
a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"
What could go wrong.......................
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when
the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on sweetie, eat it all up or ...
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey, Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on kid. Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
DOG FOR SALE
A guy is driving around the back woods of
Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken
Down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale
'He rings the bell and the owner appears and
Tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
Nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of
Hearinga dog talk, he says 'So,what's your
Story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered
That I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted
To help the government, so... I told theCIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting fromcountry
To country,sitting in rooms with spiesand world
Leaders, becauseno one figured adogwould be
Eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for
Eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out,
And I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
Job at the airport to do some undercover
Security, wandering near suspicious
Characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and
Was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had amess of puppies, and
Now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and
Asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why
On earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never
Been out of the yard'
This was sent to me for educational purposes and so as a team player I must share.
So, for those that don't know much about Australian history, here is a condensed version:
Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers.
They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter.
The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labor.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Labor movement
Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as pooftas.
Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.
Modern Laborites and Union leaders drink imported beer and they like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare.
Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Laborites.
Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX.
They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women.
Liberals are police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, business owners, farmers, Doctors and Nurses and generally anyone who works productively.
Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.
Laborites produce little or nothing.
They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.
It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Laborites - just to piss them off.
And there you have it.
What could go wrong.......................
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