Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sandman55]

A ten-year-old kid from New York City went to his grandpa's farm for the weekend. He tagged along as grandpa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in because everything was a new experience for him.

Then grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving. He didn't know how the whole process would be taken in by the ten-year-old, but he had no option but to get on with the job of assisting with the birth.

When the calf had been 'pulled' and the cow was happily cleaning it up, grandpa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.

At first the city kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but he finally asked, "Just how freakin' fast was that calf going when it hit the cow's butt?"

[wayno60]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London . A Scotsman, an Englishmanand an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't gottickets.* * The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his armand walks to the gate.* *"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slingsit over his shoulder.* *"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Polevault," and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll ofbarbed wire and tucks it under his arm.* *"O'Malley, Ireland ," he says, * *"Fencing

[sandman55]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy when a traffic officer stopped her.






"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the triangle reflector on the back of your buggy is about to fall off."





"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."





"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."





"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."





True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would fix it immediately." Also," said the woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake too.

[Chimo]

A bloke walks into a bar in NEW ZEALAND and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up,
expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist?
Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

Which reminds me --- Did you hear that the price of lamb has just gone up in New Zealand ?? --- It’s now $1.50 an hour !!!

[bustaonenut]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand whenyou have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There'sno guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'.

[Boat Hog]

Julia Gillard walked into the NAB to cash a cheque. As she approached the cashier she said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Madam. Could you please show me your ID?"

Gillard: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Julia Gillard , the Prime Minister!!!"
...
Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on proof of identity."

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into my coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque............
...........Another time, Lleyton Hewitt came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.............So madam, what can you do to prove that you really are the Prime Minister?"

Gillard stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at".

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"

[Chimo]

One for all us country folk.

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[Chimo]

A doctor, after examining an attractive middle-aged female patient, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[Goodoo haven]

Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor - breakdancing,
moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

[Chimo]

It's Hell to be Old !
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''

Old people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

[wayno60]

I just got sacked from my job with the Lifeline crisis centre.

A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm lying on the railway track at Central waiting for the train to come".

I swear, all I said was,"Remain calm and stay on the line".

[Chimo]

Further to the "Old Thing"



A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.


She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'




It pays to be careful around old people!!!

[Lancair]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

[Chimo]

There's a moral to every story, can you work it out?

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:




Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Goodoo haven]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'