Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[theangryangler]

Indian bloke goes into 7-11 for some toilet paper and sees the kleenex for $3 a roll and a "no name" for $1 a roll
He proceeds to get the No name and heads home. Comes back the next day and tells the checkout bloke
I have a name for your no name toilet paper, the checkout bloke asked what it is to which the indian chap replies
"John Wayne toilet paper" the bloke asks why? "cause it dont take no sh*t Offa indians!!!

[lucee81]

An Arab entered a taxi in London. Once he was seated he asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because he was not permitted
to hear music other than that decreed by his religion.
In the time of the Prophet, there was no radio and certainly no music, he explained, especially Western music which is the
music of infidels.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the back door.
The Arab asked him: "What are you doing, man?"
The cabby answered: "In the time of the Prophet there were no taxis. Get out and wait for a camel."

[lucee81]

Uncle Johnny, the village idiot goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Johnny said it was his.
"Your dog seems to be on heat" the officer said.

Johnny replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Johnny. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

Johnny looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police-dog."

[lucee81]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed Lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more
Tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Wayne

[lucee81]

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

[lucee81]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is that I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!” Please tell us what you're planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go get her."

[WalrusLike]

Is this true? I have always been impressed by Cosgrove but now I am even more a fan!

Simple minded media just love to make inaccurate associations. Thanks for sharing.

Simple minded fans love to believe anything.

I thought it was unlikely.... But hoped it was true. Thanks Jim.

[theangryangler]

untitled6.jpguntitled4.jpguntitled.jpguntitle9d.jpguntitle8d.jpguntitle7d.jpguntitle5d.jpguntitle2d.jpgunti3tled.jpgIf your dog could text:

[WalrusLike]

Nearly died laughing. Holy crap that was good.

[theangryangler]

image001.jpg
ah so true so true

[Goodoo haven]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

[lucee81]

The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

[lucee81]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

[lucee81]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan were on a plane when it begins to experience engine problems.

The captain tells them the plane is going to crash, but that there is time to parachute out of the plane. The only problem is that they are short four parachutes. The Frenchman jumps up and screams "vie la France" and jumps out the plane without a parachute. The Englishman not wanting to be out done by a frenchy shouts "stiff upper lip now" and jumps out of the plane. The Texan shouts, "remember the Alamo" and throws two Mexicans from the plane.

[lucee81]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place .......smack his butt again!'