NEW STATISTICS FRESH OFF THE PRESS:THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOSTWORRYING IN RECENT YEARS25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.That's bloody scary.........
It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...!
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of
rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilized and
descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft
was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree
line that bordered the farm.
The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but
could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field
not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the
man's tractor.
"John " the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer
mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737,
the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia"?
"Yep.."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They all got killed straight out." the farmer
answered. "I buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"Is Juliar Gillard dead?" the inspector asked.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"She kept saying she wasn't... But you know what a lying
bitch she is ...
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side, with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side, facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says, "My answer is, that there IS no answer."
The second, from The United Kingdom, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer, with the information we were given."
The third one from Australia says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either:
Willie Turner, or, Willie Nailer."
The Australian got the job...
I did not know this...
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
Problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
queenslanders never brag
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland ..
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy
pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "Had him circumcised!"
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her
new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night
they should have separate bedrooms.
She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After
the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock
on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.
They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his
leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris
is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to
further coupling which is again successful after which the
octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to
sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and
there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in
afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a
man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with
guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a
great lover Morris."
Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here
already?"
It just goes to show that you are never too old...
Tonight, I received a PM from a lady member of Ausfish saying that she wanted to have my children.
So I gladly sent her their addresses.
.
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever....
which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.
The Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
What could go wrong.......................
To Be 8 again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.
What could go wrong.......................
Dr Smith's Prescriptions
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr Smith about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,
'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,
she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,
'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked,
'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr Smith’s?
'Yes I am... How did you know?'
He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "
Two vertically challenged people (Actually they were dwarfs) were out on the piss and picked up. They took their chicks home but the first dwarf just couldn't get it up no matter how hard he tried and his chick left dissapointed. Meanwhile in the next room all he can hear is his mate getting it on big time with his chick. All night long he had to listen to "OK here I come again, 1,2,3 ohhharrhhh". Lucky bastard thought the first dwarf. Next morning the first dwarf says, "Its so embarassing I couldn't even get it up last night", the second dwarf says, "You call that embarrassing, I couldn't even get up onto the bed"
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise That won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.
Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
Cowboy: Nah.... She ain't that ugly!
What could go wrong.......................
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision last month to take advantage
of the New Zealand government's "work for the dole scheme" and to hire
unemployed Maori youths.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent television
... documentary on how Maori youths were able to remove a set of car wheels in
less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's pit crew
can only do it in 8 seconds with the aid of millions of dollars of high
tech gear. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari were
confident they would have a decided advantage over every other F1 team.
However Ferrari got more than they bargained for on Sunday when, during
the first pit stop the Maori crew changed all 4 tyres in under 6 seconds,
but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car over
to the McLaren team for ten cases of Lion Red beer, an HQ Holden and a
quick look at Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower.
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