Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[TimiBoy]

A Soldier’s Wife Confesses

This came from a Soldier’s wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government
underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers

In full dress uniform with rifles,

fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.

It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated..

Every one of them missed the bitch.

[groverwa]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.



The Doctor asks:


"What's the problem?





The woman says:


"Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home, he threatens to slap me around."





The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.


When your husband comes home, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.


Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."





Two weeks later the woman returns to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.


The woman says:


"Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home, I swished with water.


I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"





The Doctor says:


"The water does nothing…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

[charleville]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new golf bag.




.

[Back In Black]

Mummy, how tall are you? asks the 5 year old. "Mummies busy, go outside & play" relies Mummy. 10 minutes later,"Mummy, how old are you?" You never ask a lady her age, retorts the mother. The 10 year old says to her sister, "I know where you can find out" "Where?" asks the little girl. "On mummies licence in her bag"
The little girl goes & looks at her mothers licence & says to her Mum, "Mummy, I think you are 180cm tall" "Absolutely right" says the mother. "Mummy, you are 33 years old" says the girl. "You are right again" "And Mummy, I know why Daddy left you" says the child. The mother asks nervously "Why?" Its because you got an F for sex!

[Lancair]

Big Shuggy and Wee Chic ur staggerin hame efter a night oan the tiles. They've nae money left tae get a taxi an aw the buses are finished. Wee Chic looks up fae the gutter an says 'Hey, look Shug - its the bus gairrige'. Shuggy hus a brainwave an says tae Chic, ' Get in ther an steal a bus so we can drive hame an Ah'll stay oot here an keep a look oot fur the polis'.

So Chic breaks intae the gairrige an is awey fur twinty minnites or mair while Shuggy is wunderin whit the hell hes up tae.

Then Shuggy sticks his heid aroon the door an sees Chic runnin aroon fae bus tae bus lookin right wurrit. 'Whit the hell ur ye up tae Chic, get a move oan!', tae which Chic replies, 'Ah canny find a nummer 7 onywhere Shuggy'.

Shuggy hauds his heid in his hauns in disbelief an shouts, ' Ye daft eejit Chic. Steal a nummer 9 an we'll get aff at the roondaboot an walk the rest'

[Lancair]

Two Pakistani men emigrate to Scotland and agree to meet two years later to see who has become the most Scottish.

Two years pass. They meet and the first one says, "I have a Scotland football jersey, I drink Scotch whisky and eat haggis every week. I've joined a pipe band, I own a Scottie dog, I wear a kilt everywhere, I salmon fish and I play golf. That's how Scottish I am. How Scottish have you become?"

The second one replies, "Ach! Away tae **** ya Pakistani ******!"

[Lancair]

A Glaswegian takes his girlfriend home to meet his parents for the first time.

Introducing his girlfriend he says "This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says "It's a f@&@!ng what."

[dstrans]

An Aussie,Chinese,Irish & American are having an argument of who has the the best national icon.
The Chinese said we have the great wall of China, the Irish said we have the green green grass, the American said we have the American flag!
So the Aussie said we have the kangaroo! We can jump over the great wall of China,shit on the green green grass and wipe our ass with the American flag

[groverwa]

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

[STUIE63]

Maori Fire Department


One dark night in the township of Kaitaia, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire companies could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Taneatua Maori rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that truck.

[champion]

Sailing to Italy



A young Brisbane woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.

I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."




"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Stradbroke Island Ferry ."

[kevathome]

LUV this thread,made me laugh when I couldn't get out fishing.

[Lancair]

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefitsof having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products
that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!


2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:


1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

[finga]

At a wedding party recently someone yelled,

"All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."



The bartender was crushed to death

[wayno60]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!