Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[finga]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it any more?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said

'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the GIBLETS

[STUIE63]

Subject: Fwd: Julia Joke

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our image and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'M IN IT TO WIN IT".
Wayne agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Julia . "Amen", said Wayne.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I'd like to do the same."

[sandman55]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly

.One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old manhas Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old mansurely has ZovitzkiSyndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart.......................
But I was wrong, too!"

[mowerman]

Remember this should you ever have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!

This is really good to know!

MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found

thatpatients needing blood transfusions may benefit

from receiving chicken bloodrather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know that.

[groverwa]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

[wayno60]

OMG!....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

[SCOTTYGC]

Peter Garrett (ex lead singer of Midnight Oil, now a Minister in the Labour Government of Australia)
PETER GARRETT IS DEFINITELY A COUPLE OF CANS SHORT OF A SLAB!
The Australian Government and the NSW Forestry Service were presenting an alternative to NSW sheep farmers for controlling the dingo population.
It seems that after years of the sheep farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the Labour Government (Peter Garrett - Environmental Minister), the NSW Forestry Service and the Greens tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again.
Therefore the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the NSW SheepFarmers Association.
All of the sheep farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Mr Garrett, son, I don't think you understand our problem, 'those dingo's ain't f!@#*ing sheep,they're eatin' 'em.'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter as Mr Peter Garrett and the members of the NSW Forestry Service, the Greens and the other "tree huggers" left the meeting very "sheepishly".

[jez and suze]

Q. what is E.T short for?


A. because he has little legs.

[jez and suze]

Q. what do you get if you cross an agnostic, dyslexic, Insomniac?


A. someone who lays in bed all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[jez and suze]

Q. what is yellow and eats meat?



A. Syphilis.

[Back In Black]

Not a joke, just a funny incident that happened a few years ago. A supplier took my wife Juna & I out for dinner in Brisbane. There was a very cute waitress whom our supplier took a real shining to. He drank way too much, & in his inebriated state tried chatting her up. He asked what she did through the day, & she replied she was studying pharmacology. He quickly replied, obviously very chuffed with himself he knew what what it was, & said, so, you are studying to be a farmer!
Nearly pissed myself laughing, & still do every time I think about it.
Tony

[sparkyice]

i got fired from my job.
at the company picnic, i asked the boss if i could date his daughter.
i don't know if he canned me because i was drunk, if he just never liked me, or because his daughter is only 11.

[finga]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[BenDover]

This will make you laugh...

[charleville]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid &^#& . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'






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