I finally got the book that will help you understand women better. Let me know if you need a copy!
I finally got the book that will help you understand women better. Let me know if you need a copy!
Fishing Licence
fishinglicence.jpg
If only I'd known this when I was 15
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you ...
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
*Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed.*
Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane leaving
from Sydney. She turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
Said to Gillard, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said Julia. 'How about global warming or health
care', and she smiles smugly.
OK, ' the girl said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a kangaroo all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a kangaroo excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'
The PM, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming or health care when you don't know $h!t?'
The chief woman Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angrily, the woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
"Well"... replied the doctor, "I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove old growth timber from a recreational area . . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down."
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Dear People of Australia ,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
Will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
Deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government..
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
Has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should
You feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the
Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Julia Gillard
Canberra
PS: Have a nice life. . . . .
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Self explanatory
My Dear Husband,
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie.. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. You're either cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife.
PS: Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to Aruba together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for seven years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million dollar Lotto on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 first-class tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband
Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
Best wishes,
John
The Glasgow Brothel
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is our most expensive lady.. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, he pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
Next night the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie said that never before had anyone come back the next night; she was so expensive. There were no discounts; the price was still £5000.
At once the man gave Valerie the money and they went upstairs. After an hour he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded, but he paid Valerie and they again went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." he said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person.
The moral of the story:
Three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
What could go wrong.......................
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. Hesaid he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
V
V
V
V
V
V
His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why , got a root though .
Cheers,
Leigh (Kero).
A nasty mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order.
He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon!
'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of Bake beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Q: How can you tell when a woman has not had sex in a while.
A: When you stick you hand down her pants it feels like you are feeding a horse.
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.
.
That is way gross and I'm disgusted at myself for laughing.Originally Posted by fisho8
Chaz
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