Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[theangryangler]

Im Buggered I just spent the whole weekend painting the rocks in my front garden white just incase my new neighbours want a snowball fight at christmas

[FNQCairns]

Biker Chilli


A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern southside brisbane. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

[mowerman]

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."
So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Daddy's are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this a great a country !

Disclaimer: This is not a political statement, it's a joke! To anyone offended, MERRY CHRISTMAS


.

[mowerman]

Some historians are teaching that history began some 10,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster in the summer.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.”

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their liberal men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists, are liberals. Liberals don’t like the designated hitter rule because it isn’t “fair” to have to pitch to good hitters without having a break every ninth batter.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally, anyone who works productively. Many conservatives own companies and hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production! Liberals are against corporations and free enterprise. Liberals want to distribute all wealth so that everyone is equal.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. Most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in later after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Liberals believe that it is offensive to mention “God” in public. They want to keep all poor people continually dependent on government welfare programs. Liberals oppose home ownership and the rule of law. Liberals desire to make all decisions based upon feelings rather than facts.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.

.

[Chimo]

CRANKY OLD MAN (aka GOM)


When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in country Queensland it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem.
Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple,
but eloquent, poem.

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.


Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . . . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . . . . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . .. . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food .. . .. . . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . .. . . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. . . . . . . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am .. . . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters ... . . . . . . . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . .. . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . ... . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, . . . . . ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .. . . . . . ... My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years .. . .. . . . . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man .. . . . . . . . . and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. . . . ... . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone ... . . . . .. . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . .. A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . .. .. . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . .. . . . . . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . .. . . . . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years . all too few . . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man . Look closer . . . . see . . . .. . .. . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside
without looking at the young soul within . . . . . we will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart.

[finga]

For us hillbilly's

[groverwa]

Who says I'm addicted to my PC

[SchmucK]

Might not be G-rated, it all depends on how good your eyesight is

[groverwa]

1. No known species of reindeer can fly.
There are 300,000 species of living things yet to be classified, and most of these are insects and bacteria.
Although this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, the chances for it yet to be discovered are pretty slim.

2. There are 2 billion children in the world.
But since Santa only appears to handle the Christian children,
that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million.
At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that is 91.8 millions homes.
One presumes there's at least one "good" child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels East to West.
This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each one of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 and a half million miles.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound.
For purpose of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second
- a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting aspect.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego Set (2 lbs), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa,
who is invariably described as overweight.
On landing, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 330 pounds.
Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point 1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine reindeer.
We need 214,200 reindeer.
This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons!
Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth!

5. 353,430 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.
This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space craft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second ... EACH!
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening Sonic Booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve ...
he's dead now!

Merry Xmas, and more importantly, have a safe Xmas and New Year

[sandbankmagnet]

Are you trying to tell me Santa isn't real??

[mouse71]

- if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve ...
he's dead now!

Merry Xmas, and more importantly, have a safe Xmas and New Year

[/quote]


noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[sandman55]

The older we get....

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

[reelcrazy]

A bloke walks into a brothel and says:

"I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australian Cricket XI shirt.

[bugsytwoshoes]

Letter to men's helpline......... Hey mate, really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that the misssus has been cheating on me, the usual signs.. phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up and she has been going out with the girls a lot lately.
I try to wait up for her to come home but I always fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. She arrived home in a strangers car... she got out buttoning her blouse, she took her panties out of her purse and put them on......it was at that moment I noticed a " hairline crack " in the outboard mounting bracket.....Is that something that I can weld myself or do I need to replace it???
Thanks and kind regards.....Jim Brown.

[finga]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was suing the lorry company
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'

Seamus:'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus
'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what would you have said'?