Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[mozzie1957]

She: 'Is there anything you can tell me that'd make me feel happy and sad at the same time?'

He: 'Well, you're better in the sack than your sister.'

[finga]

Teacher:
Little Johnny,
can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

[Kero]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.. He also invited Geoffrey the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in"
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its a*s! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh*t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey .
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet."
"How about half a million bucks then?
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
"Again Geoffrey said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?"
Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the Pool.

[theangryangler]

Went to book into a hotel and thought i would be a gentlemen and mentioned to the woman at the front desk "I hope the porn channel is disabled".
To this she replied "ah No it is normal porn you SICK BASTARD"!!!!

[theangryangler]

3 pieces of string walk into a bar. sit down
"what will it be boys?"
Both reply "rum and coke thanks"
So up to the bar "2rum and cokes and a scotch" the barman looks at him and sais
"we dont serve bits of string here Pi## off!!" shocked he goes back to the table and tells them of the incident. So the second string goes up " 2 rum and cokes and a scotch thanks" barman" I told your mate Pi** off out of here we DO NOT SERVE your kind here!!" almost in tears he heads back to the table and plonks into his seat.
THe 3rd piece stands up frays up his hair and ties himself into a knot and heads for the bar " 2 rum and cokes and a scotch thanks" the barman gives him a funny look then asks" hey arent you a piece of string?" the string replies" No im afraid not!!!!!!"

[theangryangler]

Gu y walks into a doctors surgery with horrific injuries to his face the doc asked him what happened. " Well i was playin golf with my wife when we both hit a perfect 300y drive that over shot the fairway and landed in a paddock full of cows, so we jumped the fence to find them and i saw a ball lodged halfway up a cows bottom, so i lifted the tail to check whos ball it was surely enough it was my wifes so i called to her " Honey this looks just like yours" and thats the last thing i remember........

[theangryangler]

why did bill fall off his bike??





















cause bill is a fish

[groverwa]

Dear Family and Friends,

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat sh1t in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my arse.

I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 1000 camels will infest your armpits, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way......a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough s#x, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


P.S. Merry Christmas!!

[4x4frog]

Outside England's Bristol Zoo, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25years, it's parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars, {£1.40} and buses{£7}.

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City Employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or Frnace or Italy....is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and had simply begun to show up everyday, commencinh to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day for 25years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £5.11million and no even knew his name.

[Chimo]

You have to love British humour!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:




FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer 100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly -

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[Chimo]

A young woman was about to finish her first year of university. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very labor minded, and she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs – in other words, the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch blue-ribbon liberal, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had attended, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing at university.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many university friends because she spent all her time studying.




Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 50% average. She is so popular on campus; university for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who only has 50%. That way you will both have a 70% average, and certainly that would be fair and equal.”




The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Liberal side of the fence.”

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Liberal and Labor/Greens, I'm all ears.

[finga]

Another poem by the famed Willy Nelson who said:
"I have outlived my pecker."

The Pecker Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the -----' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

[sandman55]

A husband and his wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE:
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:
"Of course I do.."

WIFE:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND:
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE:
"You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan)

WIFE:
"Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:
"Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE:
"Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE:
"Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND:
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE:
"Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:
"Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE:
"Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND:
"No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
Oops!!!

[TimiBoy]

The IPCC 12 days of Christmas.


1
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a climate bible with integrity.
2
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
3
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
4
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
5
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
6
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
7
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
8
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
9
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-9 pine tree cones
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
10
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-10 student experts
-9 pine tree cones
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
11
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-11 dirty pools
-10 student experts
-9 pine tree cones
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.
12
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
-12 lumps of coal
-11 dirty pools
-10 student experts
-9 pine tree cones
-8 cut-off dates
-7 pressure groups
-6 pal reviews
-of 5 hockey sticks
-4 big reports
-3 working groups
-2 flying pigs
-and a climate bible with integrity.


Thanks to:



http://nofrakkingconsensus.wordpress...-of-christmas/

[Chong]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f--k all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless." [/FONT]