Reply With QuoteBeen thinking I might go up to the mines to work. NAH, might get shafted and to much overtime.
And the missus said it's chile up there, but the upside is you can catch the tube to and from work.
that's a bit 'close to the bone' isn't it ???
Last edited by Eileen; 26-10-2010 at 06:13 AM. Reason: no need to repeat it
Been thinking I might go up to the mines to work. NAH, might get shafted and to much overtime.
And the missus said it's chile up there, but the upside is you can catch the tube to and from work.
My missus calls alfalfa sprouts "Hippy Pubes"
RuralAustralian ComputerTerminology
A little bit of Aussie culcha
LOG ON: Adding wood to make thebarbie hotter
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A pub snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough
Not appropriate.
Last edited by Eileen; 26-10-2010 at 06:14 AM. Reason: Not appropriate.
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora... the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
Did you ever know that I used to be a bank teller? That was a great job. I was bringing home $450 000 a week.
.
God Loves Drunks Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
“God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
While this is not an actual funny joke it is worth passing on.
Julie Andrews turned 69 and to commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie "The Sound Of Music."
Here are the actual lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things..
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
Humming along with it were you??
Last edited by groverwa; 21-10-2010 at 10:15 AM. Reason: gramma
Cannibal story
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly Baked: Labor Party, Liberals/Nationals, Democrats or Greens : $150.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?”
The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.
(please .... no fowl language!)
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
\'/
\/
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
julia gillard tony abott and bob brown are on a plane together bob says if i had a $1000 i would drop 50 twenty dollar notes and make 50 people happy tony says i could drop 100 ten dollar and make 100 people happy julia turns to them and says i could drop 200 five dollar notes and make 200 people happy the pilot turns to the co pilot and says i could drop all three of them out and make 20 million people happy
A married couple is traveling by car from Walton Ky. to Jacksonville Fl.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they are too tired to
continue and decide to take a room. But they only plan to sleep for
four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours
later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the
'standard rate'. The man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel
has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for
them to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband says.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
The Manager goes on to explain that the couple could also have taken
in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband says.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the husband replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gives up and agrees
to pay. As he didn't have the checkbook, he asks his wife to write the check.
She does and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this
is only made out for $50.00."
''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she
replies.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid!
What could go wrong.......................
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you wan t to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!
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