The Drunk
A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
Her husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "Who would have thought anybody could celebrate that long."
;d I Suppose This Is A Joke And A Philosophy..apologies If It Should'nt
Be Here.....
A Quote......."the Only True Wilderness Is Between A Greenies Ears!"
Cracks Me Up Anyhow...
"WE FISH...WE VOTE"
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
.
And the only true wide open space is between the ears of the mad monkOriginally Posted by baithaven
Request for bereavement leave
Dear all,
My mother-in-law’s life ended yesterday, in a tragic air accident.
I need to take a few days off
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
A stark naked, drunken woman jumped into a vacant taxi at a London cab rank.
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
“What's wrong with you Luv,haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”
“I'll not be staring at you lady. I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".
"Well, if your not bloody staring at me Luvvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father on his way home suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday. He spots a toy shop and goes in.
"How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?" he asks the sales person.
"Which one do you mean, Sir?" asked the salesperson.
"We have: Workout Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."
"It's what?!" asked the amazed father. "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the other only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and says, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's Goolies."
Last edited by Lucky_Phill; 07-11-2010 at 07:02 AM.
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
The variation around, many years ago, attributed to Barry Humphries, was set in Sydney.
The total naked lady jumped in the back seat and asked the cab driver take her to Kings Cross.
Having his wits about him, he said "hang on how are you going to pay me?", looking in the rear mirror for the response.
The TNL opened her legs.
Cab driver: Geez! - haven't you got anything smaller?
Banned from Aldi
Yesterday I was at my local Aldi buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 28 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff anIrish Setter's arse, and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Aldi.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of dopey things to say.
What could go wrong.......................
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery' 'What's dat, says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut'.
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one
afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most
beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"I won First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest
man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won First Place, too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest! Who is the
greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with
tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Julia Gillard?" asked Pinocchio.
THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Live life like a dog,If you cant eat it or hump it ,
pee on it and walk away.
Gramma Still Drives --- Priceless
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. Shewrites:
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
What other people think about me is not my business: Michael J Fox.
Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated
Not Appropriate
Last edited by Eileen; 26-10-2010 at 06:12 AM. Reason: Not appropriate.
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