Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[groverwa]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men

[aussiebasser]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the Church association dinner last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

[finga]

At the end of the tax year, the ATO [Australian Tax Office] sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the ATO agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question .
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the ATO Office, and about once a year they send us a complete doodle."

[Xahn1960]

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello !' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me ? Hello !'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello ! Is anyone down there ?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
“VOTE FOR GILLARD”
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God ! At least Dopey is still alive ! '

[Jarrah Jack]

The reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland ... One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said,

'Oh well you might as well finish then._________________

[Xahn1960]

A Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate lifesaving open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a weak voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you with the cost?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated, and said loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[curalo]

All I want from my government is to have my mail delivered on time

[groverwa]

Giving Up Wine

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her purse, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," the woman said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out to dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
"That's okay," said the woman. "It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

[groverwa]

The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.

..

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people

got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering,

I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!...

[pescados]

Re imigration investigation, Nice one lol.

[Coddie]

GOLFER'S HONEYMOON

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!'

[dreemon]

What do you do if a bird craps on your windscreen?



Don't take her out anymore,

[groverwa]

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a medical t.v. show, I have found inner peace. It's true.

A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Punglies, that mainder of bot Prozic and Alum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box of choclits. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel! Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis.

[snasman]

Dear Australian Labourites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Jullia Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the labour judges and the CFMEU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers and Kerry O'Brien. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you ABC and Bollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone free healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and "The National Anthem." I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya" or "We Are the World".

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
Law Student and an Australian

P.S. Also, please take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Peter Garrett and Jenny Macklin with you.

P. P. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

[cormorant]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?'

Granny replies, forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!!'

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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband,

'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!'

He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!'

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Wife gets naked & asks hubby,

'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'