Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[finga]

Kevin Rudd goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away. The undertaker tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.'

The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Emissions Trading and get a face job for Julia or help the elderly'.

The Australian Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take the risk.'

[finga]

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to
Parliament House.

It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen over.
As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that someone
has "peed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense spared" and
to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ......"our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good news,
bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......"We spent
$5 million dollars on the investigation and have come to a successful
result."

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne
Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief. Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what
is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".

[cormorant]

THE JOYS OF CHILDREN

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Test 1: Preparation
[/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-[/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif']1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help themselves.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
11. Go to work and be productive.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going For a Walk
* Wait.
* Go out the front door.
* Come back in again.
* Go out.
* Come back in again.
* Go out again.
* Walk down the front path.
* Walk back up it.
* Walk down it again.
* Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
* Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
* Retrace your steps.
* Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
* Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10: TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11: Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13: Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!![/FONT]
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT]

[groverwa]

ZEN Teachings
1 Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are many arguments for reasoning with women. None of them work.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our #### .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[groverwa]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight -- starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.” The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don't forget to wash her. She stinks.” He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband “El Cheap-O,” and my husband calls the vet “El Charge-O.” They love to hate each other and constantly “snipe” at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building and next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in. Obviously he had seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ”Your wife's p#ssy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!”
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[groverwa]

Socrates was poisoned, Caesar stabbed, Joan of Arc burnt at the stake, Lincoln and Kennedy shot.

Rudd was Gillartined.

[Chimo]

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...
“Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


The End

[charleville]

A young bloke walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.

The younger bloke says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"

The old man responds, "I've got some new kittens in that there sack."

The younger bloke asks, "If I guess how many kittens you got in the sack, can I keep one?"

The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many kittens I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!


.

[groverwa]

Wisdom That Comes With Age
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement
in peace and contentment. Then the new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful after-
school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every
trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day
after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to
take some action.

The following afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping
them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you
express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when
I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a
dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your
thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the
trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession is really
putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on,
I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't
received my Pension cheque yet, so I'm not going to be able
to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy 25 cents?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
going to waste our time, beating these cans around for 25 cents,
you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the wise old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of
his days.

[finga]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect,and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's officeand asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorcewould depend on the circumstances,and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom.I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'

[Chimo]

Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.





Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving. '

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Julia.





Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.


'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.




The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '



'What on earth did you say? 'asks Julia.



'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:



'I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[littlejim]

SCARE AT NSW STATE OF ORIGIN TRAINING:



Pre game training for the NSW 2010 state of origin team in Sydney was
delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported
finding
an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially officials thought it was a prank.

The Coach immediately suspended training, while police and ASIO were
called
to investigate.

After a complete analysis, NSW Police forensic experts flew to the
scene
and determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the
players,
was in fact, the try line.

Practice was resumed this afternoon after Police & ASIO decided the
team
was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

[groverwa]

Confused!
I became very confused when I heardthe word "service" used with these:

Tax Office 'Service'
Australian Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
CableTV'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Public Transport 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of themsaid he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those people are doing to us.

[finga]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy smoke,” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[hellboy]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Paddy tells Mick …..
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

“What!”say's Mick, “ Are you mad???!!!!”
“Have you seen how many of their owners go blind??”[/FONT]