Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, the n give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[LOUIE]

Two builders, (Dave and Stuart), are seated either side of a table in a pub
when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Dave: - Er ...... mmm ..... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very
often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a ######

[groverwa]

A couple was celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one, 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

[groverwa]

What did I do to deserve that??

[charleville]

Did you know my wife went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It’s called On and On Anon.






.

[castlemaine]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this September from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary, Abdullah Amir, told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive, Osama bin Laden, explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace."

"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting pension benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England , Ireland , Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas
anyway."

A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide bombings has been decreasing lately. This has been attributed to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[groverwa]

Going to work

[finga]

In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without substance
And the darkness was on the face of the employees
And they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of sh!t and it stinks"
And the employees went unto their supervisor, saying
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof"
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it"
And the managers went unto their division managers, saying
"It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide its strength"
And the division managers went unto their system managers, saying
"It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong"
And the system managers went unto the general manager, saying
"It promotes growth and is very powerful"
And the general manager went unto the board, saying
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organisation!"
And the board looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good
And the Plan became policy!

This is how sh!t happens.

[sparkyice]

BP announced today that they placed a wedding ring around the leaking oil pipe in the gulf of mexico, and it immediatley stopped putting out.

[groverwa]

The 10 Best Caddy Replies
# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[finga]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[finga]

Oops. Double post

[groverwa]

Just A Weee Bit...

An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The Scotsman dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.
So the Scotsman did.
The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

[sparkyice]

i was having a drink at the pub with a darling young lass, and feeling a bit bold, said to her " say, darling, i sure would like a little..." ( i then leaned over and wispered something in her ear).
she turned, smiled at me and said " me too! mine's as big as a hat!"

[groverwa]

Great White Dining Tip No. 1

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to his son shark and they swam to the ship.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"