Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sandman55]

Vaseline
A man doing market research knocked on a door,
He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.

I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...

My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[groverwa]

A couple of cartoons

[charleville]

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"

"Oh, yes, Ted", she says.

Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."

"Oh yes, Ted" she says.

"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."

"Oh, yes, Ted", she says.

"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."

"Oh yes, Ted,"

"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."

"Yes Ted."

"Shirl."

"Yes, Ted?"

"You're bloody bad luck"







.

[Chimo]

Will I Live To See 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... "Then, why do you even give a sh$t?"

[finga]

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud
towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have
in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on
the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to
get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young
man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
prints
out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet
printer
and finally turned to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows
and
calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the
Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay,
why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess
that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive
equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me
how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows
this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

[greenie61]

Fan the Flames
During the soccer World Cup, a bloke was driving home from work when he got caught in a terrible traffic jam that seemed to go on for miles. While sitting in the traffic, he saw a police officer walking amongst the cars, speaking to each of the drivers. As he got closer, the man called the officer over to him.

"Hey. Excuse me mate." said the man to the officer. "What's going on up ahead?"

The officer came over and said, "It's a Pommy soccer fan. He's so depressed about his team being knocked out of the World Cup, finishing behind Australia, and the prospect of winning nothing after mouthing off all year about how great they were, that he's threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and all his mates are making fun of him. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Really?" says the bloke. "How much have you collected so far?"

"So far," replies the police officer, "only ten litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

[finga]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

[groverwa]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell Her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to 'after dinner.'

The teacher fainted…

[groverwa]

Three young women are at a party.
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect *****."

The first woman looks shamefaced and says: "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says: "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."

"Well," the third woman says: "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg.

[groverwa]

Three young women are at a party.
Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect *****."

The first woman looks shamefaced and says: "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says: "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."

"Well," the third woman says: "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg.

[shrunken pojie]

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

[Chimo]

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

[Mike Delisser]

KevinRudd goes on a state visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

The undertaker tells the Australian Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for £5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land , for just £100.'

The Australian Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Kevin shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £100? With the money you save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Emissions Trading and get a face job for Julia or help the elderly'.

The Australian Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.
We just can't take the risk.'

[sandman55]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aeroplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing." "We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

[sandman55]

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.