I just applied for a Planning Permission for a new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at
various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside
entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot
green with tatty pink trim.
The Council Planning Department told me to go away.
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday . . ..
I know most of you are dog lovers and will help.
Our neighbour, Marie has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him.
Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded.
She then noticed the back door was open. She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.
Thanks for your help.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful forsuddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.
'F$#KING THING' TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "F$#king thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
My dictionary defines green as ‘unripe, immature, undeveloped'. Perfect description.
Most political parties are seen as interested in what the voters think, the Greens are seen as thinking the community should be interested in what they think.
At the G20 summit, Barack Obama (USA) and Kevin Rudd (AUSTRALIA) are being shown a computer simulation called 'Time Machine' which can supposedly predict the economy and society trends of the future.
Both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barack goes first: "What will the USA be like in 50 years time?"
The machine whirs and beeps then gives him a printout,
"The country is still in good hands under the Democrats, crime is down, there is little world conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries."
Kevin thinks "That's not a bad prediction, but I'm sure mine will top that."
so he asks, "What will Australia be like in 50 years time?"
The machine gives the same whirs and beeps, then ejects a printout.
Kevin looks at it, turns it around a few times, then shakes his head.
"Come on Kevin," laughs Barack, "What does it say"
Kevin replies, "No idea..... it's in Ar^&!c!"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits... It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
What could go wrong.......................
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'
Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
Doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Bunnings.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results...
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never getbetter!
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said......
"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"
Dont even want to think of that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'
[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']REUNIONS OVER THE YEARS!
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice boobs.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can
eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they have never been there before.[/FONT]
Air traffic funnies
British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's favourite airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
-----------------------
ATC: ' Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway.'
Al Italia 345: 'Roger, Taxi 26 Left via Tango. Workers checked - all are working'
-----------------------
Nova 851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'
Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851,Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.'
-----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself.'
-----------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
---------------------------
FrankfurtControl: 'AF33, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rog',Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1˝ miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'
--------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna 123, what are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
--------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh...approach, we're a singleton.
Controller: Oh, Oh, Shit! You have traffic!
---------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
----------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1; descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1; descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019
------------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contactHoustonSpaceCentre'
--------------------------
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
-------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (Short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is theAtlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big "W” immediately.’
--------------------
Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'
Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'
-----------------------------
Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centreline on that approach.'
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'
-----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.6 (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.6 (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'
-----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
---------------------------
Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345....'
---------------------------------
Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'
-----------------------
Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'
Pilot: 'More or less.'
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'
----------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning,Frankfurtground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
Stacer 525 easyrider - 115 DI. Bayside Brissy
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,
'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits she appears out of nowhere.'
Stacer 525 easyrider - 115 DI. Bayside Brissy
1981 & 2005 -
Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married,
someone warn the Pope.
i can't say i agree with what he's done, but i kind of like his style...
http://www.stargazette.com/article/2...er+gets+prison
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
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