Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[akman1]

President Obama and Prime minister Gordon Brown are sitting in a bar. A
guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Obama and Brown sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour!
What are you guys doing in here?"
Obama says,"We're planning WW III."
The guy says,"Really? What's going to happen?"
Obama says,"Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and
one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed,"A blonde with big tits? Why are you going
to kill a blonde with big tits?"
Obama turns to Brown and says,"See, I told you. No one gives a shxt about the 140 million Muslims!"

[harry_h01]

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[LOUIE]

DONALD AND DAISY

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put it on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, I'll thuffocate.

[greenie61]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

[Xahn1960]

Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I
shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table.

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
About my being 54 years old, I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at
our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will
be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18
years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[Chimo]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man ! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank before he died. I married his f***ing widow."

[greenie61]

SUBJECT - $100
It's a slow day in a little Wimmera town. The sun is beating down,and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks away, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer at the pub..

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. >

At that moment the traveller completes his inspection, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government is conducting business today..

[dreemon]

Hey mates, really need your advice for a serious problem I suspected for some time now that the misses has been cheating. The usual signs, phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat when she got home she got out of someone’s car she was buttoning her blouse & she took her panties out of her purse & slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat I noticed it…. A hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket… Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[akman1]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies'
knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 80 dollars a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 dollars
a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out
why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[PinHead]

I guess you have all heard of Gene Rodenberry..the creator of Star Trek.

Anyway..one day Gene's phone rings. he answers it and the conversation is as follows:

Osama bi Laden (OL).."hello, is this Gene Rodenberry, the creator of Star trek. This is Osama bin Laden here."

Gene.."Yes it is. What can I do for you Osama?"

OL.."I have been watching your shows and in it there are white people, black people, yellow people, christians, jews, hindus and many other religions."

Gene.."Yes, and ?"

OL.."How come there are no fundamnentalist radical Islamic terrorists?"

Gene.."Well, it is set in the future."

[Chimo]

Nothing going right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."


"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

" I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.


"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all .


I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then a wise ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

[gr hilly]

nothing grows faster than a fish from the time he bites until the time he gets away

hilly

[Chimo]

Viewing choices

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play football!"

[Axl]

ALL PUNS INTENDED......


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. DELETED


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. DELETED

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[groverwa]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"