Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[finga]

Not really a joke but funny I reckon....


You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

[groverwa]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super
Shopping Centre and rolled down the car
windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup
had fresh air.


She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I
wanted to impress upon her that she must remain
there.



I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger
at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay.
Do you hear me?' "Stay Stay"



The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young
lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in "PARK"? !!!!!

[Chimo]

CARP ( Canadian Assoc of Retired People )



Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in
the bible.... Is that true?
Where can it be
found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60
year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
****
Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[akman1]

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year-old Aussie farmer, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Rudd is a '"Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a "post turtle'" was.

The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
and then you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put him up there to begin with.

[akman1]

An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
And asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars ! '

That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
Why does it cost so much?'
Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look

inside ?'
No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window
And looks around. Then, sitting back on his

Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot
in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

' What on earth could be going faster than

my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,
he gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 275 mph
and he's feeling pretty good until he looks

in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari

all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped

bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out,
and there's nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows
into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?'

The old man whispers,
' Unhook my braces from your side view mirror '

[Mac1952]

Some Year 12 exam answers:


What was sir Walther Raleigh famous for?
A:He invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles

What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A:Unusual names

Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
A:Learning to speak Latin

Name one measure which can be put in place to avoid river flooding in times of extreme rainfall.
A:Flooding may be avoided by placing a number of big dames in the river

Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic
A:Two Polar bears
Four seals

Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
A;Mrs. Orpheus

Where was the American Declaration of Independance Signed?
A:At the bottom

What happens to a boy during puberty?
A:He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery

State three drawbacks of hedgerow removal.
A:
1. All the cows will escape
2. The cars will drive into the fields
3. There is nowhere to hide

What is the meaning of the word "Varicose"?
A: Close by

What is the highest frequency that the human ear can register?
A: Mariah Carey

What is a fibula?
A: A little lie

Explain the phrase "Free Press"
A: When your mum irons your trousers

Steve is driving his car at 40m/second. The speed limit is 60Km/H. Is Steve exceeding the speed limit?
A: He should be checking his speedometer

Give a reason why people would want to live near power stations
A: They get their power faster

What is a vibration?
A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960's

Where was Hadrian's Wall built?
A: Around Hadrian's garden

The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
A: Malaria

Expand 2(x+y)
A: 2(x+y)
2 (x + y)
2 ( x + y )


These students are the future. God help us.

[Xahn1960]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET:








1.Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.


2.Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of


Guns & Ammo magazine and several National Rifle Association magazines.


3.Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.


4.Leave a note on your door that reads:





"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.


Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't


Think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.





P S - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside."





INSTALLATION COMPLETE!


Redneck Security Company

[sparkyice]

It has been determined that when referring to members of al-queda, the people who want to kill us and take over the world, the term “ Towel Head” is offensive and politically incorrect. The headdress they wear is actually a small, folded sheet of cotton. In an effort to appease them, they will now be referred to as…










“SHEETHEADS”

[charleville]

You Know You're Getting Old When...

The parts that are supposed to stay flexible are getting stiff, and the parts that are supposed to stay stiff are getting flexible.

[Mrs Ronnie H]

Hi

Two old fellas sitting down having a chat.

Fred says to Cecil-- " Do you know I can have Sex at 74"
Cecil says "Really I didn't know that."
Fred Says "YEP -- good to as I live at number 68 and it isn't that far to Walk'


bob goes into the bedroom and comes out all dressed up with his walking cane in hand'
Doris says "where are you going all dressed up " Bob answers with "Just going down the Doctors to get some of that Viagra stuff"

Doris thinks for a minute and goes off, comes back all dressed up as well.

Bob says " And why are you all dressed up"

Doris replies " Well if you're going to the doctors to get some Viagra then I'm going to see him to"

What for asks Bob.
" Well says Doris " if you think you are going to use that rusty old thing after all this time then I better get a tetanus shot. "

[TimiBoy]

I read this post on a blog about Global Warming. This guy is spot on!
Alex Cull (01:46:57) :
Let me try to summarise – ecologists are warning of something very bad that could happen. Their study tells them that the bad thing might happen at any time, although it has not happened before. They don’t know exactly when this bad thing might happen or what form it will take. They think that it could happen without any warning whatsoever, though. They think that a small “increase” of something or other will cause it, although exactly what they aren’t sure; they think it could be one of a number of different things. But they think they will know it has happened once it has actually happened, although by then it might be impossible to stop it happening or reverse it. Once the bad thing has happened, they think it possible we won’t be able to return to a “desirable state”, although they do not explain what sort of desirable state they would want to return to, other than that it would be a state where the bad thing isn’t happening.
Has that helped?


Cheers,


Tim

[Chimo]

An Irish bloke was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the
shadows.


'Twenty quid,' she whispers.


Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell,
it's only twenty quid ...... So they hide in the bushes.


They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes
on them.

It is a police officer.


'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.


'I'm making love to me wife!' the Irish bloke answers, sounding annoyed.


'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'


'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'

[Xahn1960]

Q. What do you get if you mix PMS with GPS

A. A crazy Bitch that " WILL " find you.

[groverwa]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students? What they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. 'I had Bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer. Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.


Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.


When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'


Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger all for breakfast'.

[groverwa]

"I take exception to people saying that Rudd, Gillard, Swan and Tanner are spending like drunken sailors.

When I was a drunken sailor, I quit spending when I ran out of money."