Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[TimiBoy]

The guys were all at fishing camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to share with one particular guy because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy who slept in the same room as the snorer came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

He said "That guy snored so loudly I couldn’t sleep. I just sat up and watched him all night.".

The next night it was a different one's turn. In the morning, he was the same, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

He said "That snoring shakes the roof! I couldn't sleep. I sat up and watched him all night.".

The third night was someone else's turn. The next morning he came to breakfast obviously well rested, all bright eyed and chirpy.

The others asked him how he got any sleep with that snoring guy in the same room.

"When we were ready for bed I went over, tucked him in, pinched him on the bum and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night."

[Lucky_Phill]

The owner of a golf course in North Queensland was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Southern Queensland and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

doh !
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[LOUIE]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a
mall for the first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat

Old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed

a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a

small room.. The walls close d, and the boy and his father watched

the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They

continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the

numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond
stepped out..

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son.....

'Go get your mother.'


Louie

[Chimo]

Who Am I?

If you've lived to be 85 you think you know who you are;
then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old pilot sat down and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds,
so I guess I am a pilot. What about you?'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about
naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence..


A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side
of the old man and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

[groverwa]

Muslim suicide bombers
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management.

"Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas.

One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that ..... it's too much to swallow."

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working.

However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon, North Kent and the entire Australian continent stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

[reelcrazy]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big ##### or a good memory... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly..

8. Virginity can be cured.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

[groverwa]

Goodby Granddad -- A lovely Australian Poem



Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.
But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash -
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

[baitwaster]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent,

with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

[greenie61]

DIARY OF A NEW ZEALANDER IN QUEENSLAND



August 31 - Just transferred to our new home in Brisbane Queensland . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.


September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.


September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.


October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the Mazda before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh.it. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.


October 25 - This wind is a b.astard. It feels like a giant friggin blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from friggin Sydney ....


October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the friggin aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?


November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.


November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to friggin throttle him. friggin heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking friggin wet and I smell like baked cat!


November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my friggin arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my friggin arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!


November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a friggin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and friggin sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two friggin months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.


November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn friggin place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the friggin pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the friggin flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the suckers!


November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 friggin degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid b.astard friggin Brisbane! What kind of sick, demented friggin idiot would want to live here!


December 1 -

WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are friggin' kidding!

[Chimo]

Not showing the other half this one !

C
C

[Chimo]

A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth.

Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[groverwa]

Dear Mr. Swan,

Please find below our suggestions for fixing Australia 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to our banks, who we know will only
squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following
plan.

You can call it the "Absolute Retirement Plan" or the ARP for short.

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force today.
Pay them each $1 million severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire, 10 million job openings
= Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car, 10 million cars ordered
= Car Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage
= Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They MUST pay off 1 of their credit cards/personal loans
= Credit Crisis fixed.

5) They MUST send their kids to school/TAFE/university
= Education/Crime rate fixed

6) They MUST buy at least $250 WORTH of alcohol a month......there's your
money back in duty/tax etc.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, please have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses, second home allowances & grossly over
abundant retirement packages...

If you think this would work, please forward to every Australian you know.
If not, please disregard.

Yours sincerely,

The Whole Fu@#*n Country

[sandbankmagnet]

That's 10 trillion dollars you're handing out there grover. Not sure we've got that to throw around. Though that's never stopped the labor govt.

[Donny Boy]

DIARY OF A NEW ZEALANDER IN QUEENSLAND

December 1 -

WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are friggin' kidding!

Oh, stop.........no more...........

[Donny Boy]

Q. Why do men die before their wives?




A. They want to..............