tiger swung for a hole-in-one, but he shanked it into the bush
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
A Love Story
I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)
A koala and a lizard are sharing a joint up in a tree. After awhile the lizard says he's gonna head down to the creek for a drink.
About 5 mins later a crocodile walks past the tree. The koala near swallows the roach, has a cough and yells out, geez mate how much friggin water did you drink.
The Thimble (a Parable)
One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting next to a river, and she dropped her thimble into the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No, sir."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No, sir." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress smiled and replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord -- it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence
All I want is to catch MORE legal fish!
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."
WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS ??
I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
THINK BEFORE YOU FLIRT.....
A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks with him, he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss, apparently he had the time of his life."
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance..
Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their medications while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth and finally.........
In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
"IM PROUD TO BE AUSTRALIAN"
ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a
phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A
man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Jim. May I
please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down
on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed
the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I
decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the
phone, I yelled, "You're an #######!" and hung up. I wrote his number
down with the word '#######' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an #######!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '#######'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this
is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if
you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and
slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an #######!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so
I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first #######, ( I had
his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW #######,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
Yes, it is."
Can you tell me where I can see it?"
Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
What's your name?" I asked.
My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
I'm home every evening after five."
Listen,Don, can I tell you something?"
Yes?"
Don, you're an #######." Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two #######s to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called ####### #1.
"Hello."
You're an #######!" (But I didn't hang up.)
Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
#######, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, #######."
Then I called ####### #2..
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, #######," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, #######, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw
two #######s beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.
2009's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
What could go wrong.......................
Why do women wear earrings???
It is the only way that they can get most blokes to look at their face
dear grim reaper so far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer michael jackson, my favourite actor patrick swayze,my favourite singer stephen gately and my favourite actress farah fawcett.just so you know my favourite politician is kevin rudd.
regards tony abbot
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Lord, I thought you said:
'Turn around.
"light gear big fish big fun"
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals..
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle...
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
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