Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[groverwa]

Gidday.

Now the Fred Dagg Careers Advice Bureau has already done more than enough to secure its place in the social history of this once great nation, but I think this report is probably amongst its more lasting achievements.

In essence it outlines how to go about the business of being a real estate agent, and as things stand at the moment if you’re not a real estate agent, then you’re probably being a fool to yourself and a burden to others.

Like so many other jobs in this wonderful society of ours, the basic function of the real estate agent is to increase the price of the article without actually producing anything, and as a result it has a lot to do with communication, terminology, and calling a spade a delightfully bucolic colonial winner facing north and offering a unique opportunity to the handyman.

If you’re going to enter the real estate field you’ll need to acquire a certain physical appearance which I won’t bore you with here, but if you’ve got gold teeth and laugh-lines around your pockets, then you’re through to the semis without dropping a set.

But the main thing to master, of course, is the vernacular, and basically this works as follows:
There are three types of houses:
1. Glorious commanding split-level ultra-modern dream homes, which are built on cliff faces;
2. Private bush-clad inglenooks, which are built down holes;
3. and very affordable solid family houses in much sought after streets, which are old gun-emplacements with awnings.

A cottage is a caravan with the wheels taken off.

A panoramic, breathtaking, or magnificent view is an indication that the house has windows, and if the view is unique, there’s probably only one window.

I have here the perfect advertisement for a house, so we’ll go through it and I’ll point out some of the more interesting features, so here we go, mind the step.
‘Owner transferred reluctantly instructs us to sell’ means the house is for sale.

‘Genuine reason for selling’ means the house is for sale.
‘Rarely can we offer’ means the house is for sale.

‘Superbly presented delightful charmer’ doesn’t mean anything really, but it’s probably still for sale.

‘Most attractive immaculate home of character in prime dress-circle position’ means that the thing that’s for sale is a house.

‘Unusual design with interesting and solidly built stairs’ means that the stairs are in the wrong place.

‘Huge spacious generous lounge commands this well serviced executive residence’ means the rest of the house is a rabbit-warren with rooms like cupboards.

‘Magnificent well-proportioned large convenient block with exquisite garden’ means there’s no view, but one of the trees had a flower on it the day we were up there.

‘Privacy, taste, charm, space, freedom, quiet, away from it all location in much sought-after cul-de-sac situation’ means that it’s not only built down a hole, it’s built at the very far end of the hole.

‘A must for all you artists, sculptors and potters’ means that only a lunatic would consider living in it.

‘2/3 bedrooms with possible in-law accommodation’ means it’s got two bedrooms and a tool shed.

‘Great buy, ring early for this one, inspection a must, priced to sell, new listing, see this one now, all offers considered, good value, be quick, inspection by appointment, view today, this one can’t last, sole agents, today’s best buy’ means the house is for sale, and if ever you see ‘investment opportunity’ turn away very quickly and have a go at the crossword

[groverwa]

Soiled Bed Sheets!

This should make you smile and one for the Nurses & Security Guards as well!!

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: 'I think I just beat the sh!t out of a ghost.'

[littlejim]

november is almost here, and you blokes down under are cooking under the noon day sun.
you can have it- this is what it's really all about!

&feature=related

my favorite time of year!!!

have you got your spot entered in your GPS?

[sparkyice]

have you got your spot entered in your GPS?

i don't need the gps...i marked the spot on the ice last year...

[mowerman]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and
a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got
into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every
evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red
with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect
night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took
his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to
enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was Anna Bligh.
That evening, the man brought Anna to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
- perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the
urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Anna
and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Anna batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for
him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'



.

[Chimo]

Not super funny but nice anyhow

http://www.findingjoymovie.com/miami/

[Damned67]

i don't need the gps...i marked the spot on the ice last year...

Hey Sparky, where are you doing your ice fishing?
I lived in Milwaukee for a few years, and if people weren't dear hunting in the winter, they were 'ice fishing'.... which is, of course, just a good ol' drinkin' session

Although, I'm thinking that if you marked the spot on the ice last year, you're somewhere a little colder than the upper mid-west of the US?

[sleepygreg]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' She asks.
‘I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her
four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe
and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her
husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked
and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

‘My husband’s having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek
with the kids!!'

[sleepygreg]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility,
and to keep it from getting sunburned,
he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly,

it would lift itself."

[groverwa]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.


The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar$e and go as a toffee apple.

[BGG]

TREATMENT for SUNBURN:

This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Chimo]

Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

[Chimo]

Castaway

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It's certainly not a ship.”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

“Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!”

[Chimo]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and says,
"I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Chimo]

Bottle of Wine

(Women may appreciate this, Men, Be warned!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, and can be evil bitches.
Men, Don't mess with them, you have been warned!