Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sparkyice]

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
somebody had to come up with this. You know you're from

California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal?

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers
and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.

[sparkyice]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD



To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah, Georgia night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.


First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!


I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants.. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].


After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!


I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]


I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.


Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.


The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).


In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, an d can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.


Have a good day!


Thoughtfully yours,


Alex

[Sea-Dog]

This is as funny as....

[crazyfish]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" [/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']To which Murphy replies,"You[/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'] [/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']idiot - if they fell forwards they'd still be in the bloody [/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']boat!!"

Crazy..... [/FONT]

[sleepygreg]

A cabbie picks up a Nun

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says,

'That's OK. My name is Kevin and i'm going to a fancy dress party'

[finga]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ' Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo poo.. It means someone stole the tent'.

[sparkyice]

november is almost here, and you blokes down under are cooking under the noon day sun.
you can have it- this is what it's really all about!



my favorite time of year!!!

[baitwaster]

I love this Doctor!




Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is
this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on
exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you
live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want
to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And
pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable
product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that
way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact,
they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should
only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[groverwa]

DaneCross wrote (1st joke)

True Bravery:
True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom.........

And asking:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Or a boaty type bloke could said"Is that broom your main or auxillary means of transport?"

[groverwa]

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

A 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.



So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'



The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'



But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!'



Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motor home

Because we didn't have that as a prize.



The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motor home!'



And she hands the ticket to the

Manager and HE reads...
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)








'W I N A B A G E L'

[sleepygreg]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[charleville]

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."






.

[thatsakeeper]

Two nuns are driving through pennsylvania when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet of their car and starts hissing and scratching the windscreen.

All the amount of swerving and braking couldnt lodge the creature from the vehicle so one nun says to the other "hold your roseary beads and pray".
The creature laughs and hisses and continues scratching.

So the other nun yells "hit him with the wipers and spray him with holy water that should do it" the water burns but he continued to hold on to the car.

Finally the nun says to the other "show him your cross"

So sister mary rolls down the window and yells

"Get the #%$# off of our car!!!"

[Tester63]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know
anyone..
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend away .

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied,

'I want to offer my deepest condolences!!

[groverwa]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE??