Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[baitwaster]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']> > One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
> >
> > "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
> >
> > "Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
> > bought it with my share of the winnings."
> >
> > A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
> >
> > Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
> >
> > She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
> > it with my share of the winnings."
> >
> > Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,
> >
> > You guessed it:
> >
> > Her share of the lotto winnings...
> >
> > That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while
> > she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is
> > barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
> >
> > "What's this?" she asks her husband.
> >
> > "Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"[/FONT]

[greenie61]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[greenie61]

[Cammy]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass didn't it?'

Cam

[finga]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

And felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

He tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
And sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal
Reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

Medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
Patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

Would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave........

Dave........

..........you're a vet.

[Chimo]

THE TRUCKIE

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished
'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.


The truckie replies,
'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

[baitwaster]

I know a bloke whose name is Jim,
I love to throw tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft & don't hurt the skin,
But these ones do, cos they're still in the tin!!

[gr hilly]

there once was a man from cape horn.who wished that he had never been born .he wouldt have been, if his mother had seen, that his farthers french letter was torn.

[Tester63]

A soldier was home after a 3 month tour of duty in Afganistan and was looking forward to a night of passionate sex with his wife. She went to freshen up and came out with nothing but a towel on her head....so he shot her.

[Wazzup01]

i went to a seafood disco the other night and pulled a mussel

[Wazzup01]

i went out to by some cammo pants the other day but couldn't find any

[Wazzup01]

Hear about the 2 antennas that got married?
Wedding wasn't very good but the reception was excellent

[sleepygreg]

Sneezing!


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of an airplane.



The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly

shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.



The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed

again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.



Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about

the shuddering.



A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she

took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I

couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose

and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'



'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition:

Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'



The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never

heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'



The woman nodded.



'Pepper.'

[sleepygreg]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Newfoundland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit..

[groverwa]

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Compalcently looking at his madam
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that on earth
There was only two and he adem