Reply With QuoteThe lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna' watch."
oldie but a goodie!!!!!!!
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna' watch."
He rises early, long before dawn.
Wants to be on the water, before the day is born.
Sneaks through the house, as quiet as a mouse
It would be mayhem, if he wakes the spouse.
The car is packed, everything is ready,
The trailer is hooked up, all level and steady.
He knows it would be a good morning to stay in bed.
For the past six months the boat has been in the shed.
He inches the car slowly forward, getting into the groove,
But what is that he notices, the trailer barely moves.
One wheel is not turning, just being dragged,
The wheel bearings need changing, as she has nagged.
Out with the hammer and give it a thump,
That noise in the morning did make him jump.
The dogs start barking, and lights come on
Oh s*^#, he murmurs, now I am gone.
He sees her face at the window, with an evil glare,
He does not know what to do, at the hammer he stares
He hits the wheel again, without pain or fear,
It all starts moving, the car is not in gear.
Down the driveway and out through the gate,
The car and trailer, like two good mates.
The momentum gathers, and the speed increases
He now wishes he belonged to another species.
He is running behind, looking at his boat.
What he did not see was the neighbour’s horse float
The car slams the float with an almighty din,
He falls on the road and leaves behind some skin.
The damage looks awesome as he draws near,
As the daylight dawns it all becomes clear.
The float is ruined, his car is a wreck
The boat and trailer like some goose neck.
The neighbours are awake and the lights are on,
Oh how he wishes that he was gone.
The damage is horrific, all over the road.
Good grief he muses, it even crushed a toad.
The noise in his ears causes him to start,
He scratches his balls and releases a fart.
Twas only the alarm clock, to start his day,
He is going fishing, come what may.
He recalls the nightmare that he just had,
Oh if it happened, wouldn’t that be so sad
He drives out the gate and down the street,
Thinking of the fish and friends he’ll meet.
Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Anna Bligh.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the Premier,
who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in spending, a
special commission presented the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive
3. People are spitting on the wrong side
A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said,
"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
What could go wrong.......................
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Deckerbus for a weekend trip toAdelaide.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode onthe top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'
Bloke loses his arm in an accident and hes so depressed hes going to jump out the window and do himself in.
He opens the window and sees another bloke on the pavement without any arms and he's dancing and looks happy
The fella with one arm thinks why am I so miserable . This fellers got no arms and he's happy and dancing. So he gives up on the idea of jumping.
He goes downstairs and says to the bloke with no arms. Thank ,you saved my life. I was going to jump until I saw you so happy and dancing around.
Anyway he says what makes you so happy that you can dance.
And the bloke with no arms says. I'm not dancing cause I'm happy....my arse is itchy
THE POOR MAN ALWAYS PAYS TWICE
truth be told, i think these guys are actually aussies...
http://seabreezenews.com/back%20issu...9/Page_01c.pdf
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well yes,” the doctor replies, “but not framed.”
Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they go away and its a really nice day.
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What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend......'You're so lucky...Mine's still
alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "no way", you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10
minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic'
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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds
to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you bastard!'
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine..
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law who is 103 & says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight"..
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need "tweetment" and for swine flu you need "oinkment".
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
How do you get rid of swine flu?
Spend the night in a smokey room - in the morning you'll be cured!
KRudd meets the Queen
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said:
As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied,
"I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said:
"How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied,
"Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."
Rudd thought long and hard and came up with
"How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied :
"Sorry again, Mr. Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before Rudd could utter another word,
The Queen said:
"I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
What could go wrong.......................
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