Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

And God said...



God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

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'What's a headache?'

[Chimo]

Weather Forecasting - The Australian Way




It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[Chimo]

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider This.

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

[Chimo]

Golf: An Evil Game!

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.

"Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband!

He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up..

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying it.

"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.


Two months later, her husband died... The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ass."

[Chimo]

After I stopped laughing I had to share this.

The Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

“No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[MY ALIBI]

Authorities have located the source of the big dust storm . some dumb sh@# opened the NSW state of origin trophy cabinet

[sparkyice]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth! Let's see if we can see the Lord..'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[Fish Lips]

As part of the governments intervention policy, Kevin Rudd recently flew outback to a remote aboriginal community.

He was met at the airstrip by the tribal elders.

"Listen Kev" they said

"We don't know nuthin about no stolen friggin' generator"

[Chimo]

The Dark Side of Women...



A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.


In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her
mobile phone rang.


It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.


The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.


She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.


Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.


She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[charleville]

Did you see the news item about the Irish bloke who locked his keys in the car?


It took an hour to get his wife out!







.

[sleepygreg]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise,
God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one manGod said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him]God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only
one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here

[Chimo]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent b$stard,' She screamed at
him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:


'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

[Chimo]

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2009

Scenario 1:
Joe goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the
school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Joe's shotgun, goes
to his car and gets his shotgun to show Joe.
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Joe hauled off
to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors
called in for traumatized students and teachers..

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands
and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both
Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both
expelled even though Johnny started it.



Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good
paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits
still and does not disrupt class again..
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a
zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money
from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives
him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes
to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.. Billy is
removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist
is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused
herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an
affair with the psychologist.


Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the
smoking dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school
for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and
weapons.


Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to
college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a
requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action
lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English
teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro
is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of
July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a
red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called.
Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates
his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home
and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a
terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to
comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on
playing...
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses
her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5
years of therapy.

[Scott nthQld]

hah, that's both funny and very sad, funny because it is true, sad because well, then you realise this is the society we have to endure.

[mowerman]

MY DADDY IS AN EXOTIC DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied,
'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father? ''No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and helped get Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.