Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[aussiefool]

Beware, they walk among us

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.

(Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[Chimo]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted hedidn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[Lancair]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "#### or drown."

[Lancair]

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said 'Goats'."

[sparkyice]

after watching a news report about fishes, with their noses cut off, washing up dead on the beach for the last week, the blond beside me at the pub asked "those poor fishies!... without their noses, how do they smell?"



says i, "after a week....terrible!

[Chimo]

The Barman


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the barman who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no,' he replied.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the barman. 'Is there anything I can do?

Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the barman's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the barman managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered,
'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

[Chimo]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at
a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, put s her coffee cup down, neatly folds
the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles
and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the
woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back
to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over
to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like
that before, it was fantastic.. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Tax Office

[ffejsmada]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.

Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Billy in the front row.

The teacher asked Billy why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'

[STUIE63]

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
Tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at
school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he
did..
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him
why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year,
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike
for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was Very
upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to
church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very
sad.
'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down
The street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see
if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and
sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F**KING BIKE!!!

[Chimo]

Quote of the recession so far:



"THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE. I'VE LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE."

[Chimo]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....


1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Fish Lips]

The Barman


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the barman who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no,' he replied.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the barman. 'Is there anything I can do?

Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the barman's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the barman managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered,
'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

YUUUUUUUUCK!


"No paper in the ladies toilet? do a handstand in front of the dryer then love."

[Chimo]

Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said ....... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Xahn1960]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?






It's because she smells like a new Ute.

[Xahn1960]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great Chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,
"What massive Calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear .

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that .


The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!!!!!!!"