A man is asked by his friend, 'Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?'
'Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,' the man replies.
To which his friend responds, 'Strange ambition to have for a career...'
'Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!'
.
Chimo's bull joke (good one) reminded me of the shaggy dog story the bus driver at Yosemite told the passengers. (All American tour bus drivers seem to have at least one 'funny' to tell.)
he'd just shown us the steel safes provided for campers to keep their tucker in so that the bears don't rip their car apart to have a feed.
he asked if anyone had seen the TV show on the lady attacked by a bear at Yosemite the previous month. No hands came up but eventually somebody asked him to tell us about it. he said the TV show hadn't got it right, he was the bus driver involved, he took a party of students around the park and at one spot they saw a bear and one of the women in the party asked him to stop so she could take a photo. he agreed but said she shouldn't approach closer than 200 metres. as soon as she got out she ran up to about ten metres and started 'shooting'. he said you can tell when the bears are angry by the way they hunch their shoulders and look down at the ground. The bear did this. So they yelled at the woman to start running back to the bus. She ignored them and kept shooting piccies. then the bear roared and started chasing her. She took off like a sprinter and started the 200 metres back to the bus, at 100 metres the bear was about 15 metres behind, at 50 metres he was 5 metres behind. Just as she got to the door of the bus, with the bear 2 metres behind, the driver said he had to shut the door on her.
We all asked him why on earth he had to do that.
he said that his company's policy stated he wasn't allowed to let a woman on the bus with a bare( ) behind.
An elderly gentleman.....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
What could go wrong.......................
Heard a good one the other day: 'SEA PATROL'
The punch line is: Lisa McCune's acting
CIGARETTESAND t%mp*ns
A manwalks into a pharmacyand wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices himand asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking fora box of t%mp*ns for his wife.
She directs him downthe correct aisle.
A few minutes later,he depositsa huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, ' You see,it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a cartonof cigarettes, and she came backwith a tin of tobacco
and somerolling papers; causeit's sooo-ooo--oo-ooomuch cheaper.
So, I figureif I have to roll my own.......... so does she.
apologys if this has been posted bfore
Mothers in therapy...
A psychiatrist was therapy session withfour young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with
money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, and Frank.'
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Fanny and
Willy and go home.'
Littlejim's joke about the bear reminded me of the Kevin B Wilson "song" about when Nigel went to America and went bear hunting. Those of you who are a KBW fan will know the one and it ends something like "skin this c&^% while I go and get another one
I have the video of Nigel bear huntin' but not the words,its a crackup..
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
[FONT='Bookman Old Style','serif']THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom Door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from Within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter With a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you Doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and Leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz Coming from the other side of the closed bedroom Door. Upon entering the room, he observed his Daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter Said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this Thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a Husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a Shopping trip , Placed the groceries on the kitchen Counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, Of all places, the living room. She entered that Area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, Downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV..
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing Like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the f.... Are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my Son-in-law.'[/FONT][FONT='Times New Roman','serif'][/FONT]
I bought a deodorant stick today
I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions. They said :
'Remove top and slowly push up bottom'
I'm in Casualty at the moment, but my f@rts smell lovely!!!
a blonde goes to the mechanic
nothing wrong darlin just shit in the air filter
ok how often do i have to do that
hehehe cameron
G-rated? No so sure.........
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
What could go wrong.......................
And continuing with the TOL theme............
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
What could go wrong.......................
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