Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Xahn1960]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party on Friday night. Thought you might like to come along. 8.00pm ok?'
'Great', says Tom, 'After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you; there’ll be some drinking.'
'Not a problem,' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More 'n' likely be some wild sex, too.'
'Now that's really not a problem,' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

[mowerman]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?




Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down






The moral is......
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

[Chimo]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, Everything inside is numbered.'



The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians!

Everything inside them is colour-coded.'



The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;



everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I prefer Construction Workers.

Those guys understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'





But the fifth surgeon shut them up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. They've got no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arse - and they are interchangeable'

[Chimo]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP











A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[CreelReaper]

A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his hair. (Aye, like he had hair!)

This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing.

I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side.
Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today is Friday the 13th.

If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

The man looked back at the policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.

"The policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[Chimo]

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken Literally;

'Circumcised' (this is priceless!) Here goes!

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private parts' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[Donny Boy]

And so it goes............The queue outside Centrelink today.

[CreelReaper]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him



FASTER...



FASTER...



BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.


However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.


With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.


The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!



Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,


(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)











The coffin stops!

[Fish Lips]

"The coffin stops"



That was funny
Thanks for that i needed a good laugh.

It's been a real bad day for me today.
My brother who lives in the U.S.A. rang this morning, he was an absolute emotional mess
He works as a paramedic, he was part of the crew that went to the Jackson house when the 911 call came in.

He tells me it was a pretty disturbing scene when they got there, my brother was the first paramedic to administer CPR.

Apperently he went to pinch his nose so he could breathe into his mouth,
and well........

[Scott nthQld]

The Hospital is unsure as what they are going to do with Michael Jackson's body.......plastic recycle night isn't until Friday

[Scott nthQld]

and just to be fair, a Farrah Fawcett one:

It's so hard to find a good plumber these days, I've been trying for years to get that troublesome Fawcett switched off

[CreelReaper]

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between

A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Keep going ........................... . . Don't stop . . ..

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins
with the last letter in the animals name

Almost there...............................

.
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers
of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out
in front of you at face level

Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand
Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person’s name?............................

Of course they flamin dont.......
Now smack yourself in the head,
get a life, and quit playing
stupid games and get back to work!

[groverwa]

Johnno and Dave from Fremantle die and wake up in hell.

The devil stops by to see how they have settled in, but is stunned to find them
sunbaking. He asks what are you doing sunbaking in this searing heat.

Johnno replies, We are from Western Australia, the Golden State, the land of
sunshine. We love the heat.

The devil decides they're not miserable enough so he turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops by and they're still lazily sitting back, sucking
away on a couple of stubbies. The devil asks them angrily, Its F**ing hot down
here. Can’t you blokes feel it?

Nah, says Dave. Like we told ya yesterday, were from WA. We love the heat.

This pisses off the devil even more so he decides to fix Dave and Johnno; he
cranks up the heat as high as it will go. Soon, everyones wailing and screaming.

He drops in the next day and Dave and Johnno are kicking back in board shorts and thongs, drinking beer and having a Barbie. The devil is amazed: Everyone down here is utterly miserable, but you two keep enjoying yourselves.

Dave grins, Well, ya know, it kinda reminds us of home when the weather is
THIS nice.

Frustrated, the devil comes up with a new plan to get the pair, he turns off
all the heat in hell.

The next day, the temperature is a hundred below zero,
with ice and snow everywhere. The devil smiles and heads off to see the two Freo boys.

Incredibly, he finds them rugged up and drinking beer, cheering and laughing
like lunatics.

I don't understand cries the dumbfounded devil. When I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now its freezing and you're still f****** happy. What in the
name of hell is wrong with you two blokes now?

Johnno looks at him in surprise and grins, Don't you know, mate? If hell freezes
over, it must mean the Dockers have finally won the premiership.

[Chimo]

Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in, Dey makes you wild at sex.'


Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what The man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[Chimo]

The Beemer


A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought,
"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.