Oldie but a goodie those 2 Ronnies were great together or on their own
Dunno if this ones been posted before or not....probably has, but here goes anyway:
Bloke comes into a bar carrying a little box. Bloke has a sad sack look on his face.
He sits on a bar stool, puts the box on the bar & orders a drink - still looking glum.
Next thing, the side of the box opens up and a little man walks out. He's about a foot high & dressed in a tux. He drags a miniture grand piano out of the box and starts playing classical piano overtures.
Another bloke comes into the bar & sits next to the first guy, who still has a sad look on his face.
"Geeeze," says the second bloke. "That's amazing! Where did you get that little fellow from?"
"It was from a genie," the first chap replied. "I only had one wish and that's what I got."
Second guy said, "Then why are you so sad? I think it's incredible....anyway, do you reckon I could make a wish? Is that genie still around?"
"Yeah," said the first bloke, "you can try," taking out a small brass lamp from his pocket. He rubbed it and a genie appeared.
"Go ahead," invited the first guy, "make your wish."
Second guy said, "I wish I had a million BUCKS!"
Next thing they knew there was a quacking sound, quack-quack-quack-quack and the bar began filling up with ducks....more and more of them until they started to overwhelm the place....
"HEY," exclaimed the second bloke, "I said a million BUCKS! Not a million DUCKS! Has that genie of yours got a speech impediment or something?"
"Maybe he has," responded the first bloke. "Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist??"
"...a voice in my head keeps telling me to go fishing..."
This equation should be taught in all math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that WhileHard Work and Knowledgewill get you close, andAttitude will get you there, it's theBULLSHIT
and Ass Kissingthat will put you over the top.
What could go wrong.......................
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Panadol is Paracetemol, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Nurofen is Ibuprofen and so on.
The Federal Drug Administration has been looking at generic names for Viagra, and has anounced that it has settled on 'Mycoxafloppin'.
Also considered was:
Mycoxafailin
Mydixadrupin
Mydixadud
Dixafix
Coxarizin
and of course....
Ibepokin
The next drug to hit the market is chocolate flavoured headache relief, said to sold in the same pack as the Viagra.... marketed under the name 'Nottoniteudont'
LESSONS
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24.The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
And finally my thought, that perhaps most relevant to this group, even as we argue and hopefully agree to disagree;
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves
C
What could go wrong.......................
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, ' Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?
I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
Robot barman
A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot barman.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and
sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another
drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,
"What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league,
Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in
general.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your
IQ?"
The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."
And the robot says...real slowly...
"So...............ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"
Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word 'child support payment' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.
'OESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'OESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 0800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy..
10. The Nurofen Plus box is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
What could go wrong.......................
What Have We Learned in 2064 Years? - other than to do a preview on this forum before submitting a message even though that message looks OK
So here it is. What have we learned in 2,064 years?
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
- Cicero - 55 BC
Sound familiar
And the answer is?Originally Posted by groverwa
Regards
mod5
TRUE STORY:
Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.
This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...
"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......
"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...
"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn' t he?" .....
"Err NO!"
Living in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years.
Is this the meaning of life???????
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what
their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman,
policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with
a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays league for new south wales but I was just too
embarrassed to say."
Last edited by Lucky_Phill; 16-06-2009 at 09:40 PM.
no its from the future see it says what we have learned in 2064 yearsIs this the meaning of life???????
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