Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[CreelReaper]

Paddy asks Murphy.....
"Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards???"
to which Murphy replies....
Ye'r a bloody thick twat ain't ya Paddy, if they fell forward they'd still be on their flaming boat!!!!

[groverwa]

Press Release

Scare At Eagles Headquarters

Training was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the Club thought it was a prank!!

Whoosha immediately suspended training, while police and the ASIO (Australia Special Investigations Office) were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, WA Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.

Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

[groverwa]

What you have to do to get a hospital bed

[Nanny King NQ]

I rang the swine flu hotline last night.

I was trying to get some information on the symptoms.

As I listened all I got was crackling.

[akman1]

More of the swine..........


Treatment for Swine Flu: Spend the night in a smoky room

and in the morning you will be cured

[groverwa]

For the slightly twisted amongst us - http://www.pendland.com/html/cow.html

Mike

[Chimo]

Mike
Your a sick puppy; too

Chimo

[groverwa]

Yeah Chimo

Takes one to one

Wasnt sure if I should have posted it

Mike

[BGG]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.


A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)


(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You still have time)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

[Chimo]

OUR JOBS ARE SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUTTHERE.


ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you couldhave an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied..
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed up.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it...
Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?
I said to her 'I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said, 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'


FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote.Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a batteryto fit this?'
'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE.
Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.
With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.


SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. Department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problemswith their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

SEVEN.

Police in Dubbo, NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.



Life is tough... It's tougher if you're stupid

[STUIE63]

OUR JOBS ARE SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUTTHERE.


ONE.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you couldhave an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied..
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed up.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it...
Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?
I said to her 'I've changed my mind I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said, 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'


FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote.Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a batteryto fit this?'
'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE.
Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.
With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.


SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. Department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problemswith their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

SEVEN.

Police in Dubbo, NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.



Life is tough... It's tougher if you're stupid

common sense isn't real common anymore . and to think these people are out there breeding and lowering the gene pool
Stuie

[Wyoming]

I was casually walking through the cemetry early on Friday morningwhen I saw a guy, lying low near one of the headstones.

"Morning" I said

"No, just having a shit" he replied....

[akman1]

beazttyjegbtqa

[reelcrazy]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an
Aussie are all walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.

Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

[groverwa]

Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I visited once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin fart?"