Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sparkyice]

my mate was over to my place the other night, and we were well into our pints.
my mastiff bent over and began licking himself, with what appeared to be a good deal of self satisfaction.
we watched him for a moment when bob says, "that looks like so much fun, if i could do that, i'd get a divorce"

"have you ever tried it, bob?" i asked

"no", he says. " i don't know that i'm man enough"

"well, bob, " says i, " give it a try. i don't think he'll bite ya"

[maztez]

CONQUER THE SCOTS
Edward Longshanks (Edward 1 of England )comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings with him 4,000 men .As he nears the battlefield ,there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill .A short ,ginger haired guy in a kilt."Hammer O the Scot's ' yells the wee scottish guy on the hill .'Come up here ,ya English bastards ,and I'll give ye a hammerin !.
Edward turns to his commander .'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart' he says .The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.
Ten minutes later ,at the crest of the hill , the little Scotsman appears again . 'Ya english diddies ! , he yells.' Come on the rest of ye !! come on ,I'll have the rest of ye !! Come on ,I'll have ye all !.
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed . He turns to his commander. ' Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!.The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job .
Ten minutes later , the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more ,his hair sticking up ,his shirt a wee bit torn . ' Ya English scum !he yells . I'm just warming up !! come and get me ,Ya English shite !!
Edward loses patience , 'Commander , take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH !!!' he yells. The commander gulps ,but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later , the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn , his face is covered in blood , snot and Irn-Bru.
" Is that the best ye can do ???? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! come and have a go ya bunch of English Shite !!!' he yells .
Edward turns to his second in command .' Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back until you've killed him ! he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate .
Ten minutes later ,one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill . He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn . ' Your Majesty !' he yells.

' It's a trap !!! There's TWO of them !!!'

[Xahn1960]

The Prodigal Daughters Return!


An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

[slyman]

Made a phone call to the Health Department the other day to ask about this swine flu epidemic, but all I got on the line was crackling.

When I did get through, they told me that one of the major symptoms of swine flu was breaking out in rashers.

Then they told me it could be treated with a daily application of a newly developed oinkment.

[Donny Boy]

......................... As Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet wandered home through the snow in Hundred Acre Wood, Piglet smiled to himself and thought about how lucky he was to have a best friend like Pooh............

And Pooh though to himself ..." If this pig bastard sneezes, he's f***in' dead !!!"

[Donny Boy]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?""Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed
and onto ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate. "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform,
five ft off ze ground.... and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper.
I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'.""And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze
ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate."I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet.
Eet is beneath my dignity'.""What 'appened zen?" asks his mate."Zen....... 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet
above ze parade ground.

E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said
"If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?" "A leetle............ at ze beginning."

[coucho]

Three fellows are waiting outside the clubhouse for the fourth of their party to arrive and he is very late. They decide to ask the next person who arrives to make up the foursome.
Of course the next person who arrives is a spectacularly proportioned blonde lady.
They approach her and ask if she would like to make up their foursome.
She says, "No, I couldn’t possibly. I am only an amateur. I couldn’t possibly play golf with people of your expertise. I would make a fool of myself. No!"
The three fellows summon all of their persuasive techniques and soon have her on the first tee.
The lady says "Ooooh, I’ve never played golf with real players before. Please would you all go first so I don’t really make myself look too foolish."
The first fellow steps up and hits a reasonably creditable drive well down the fairway, and the lady says "Ooooh!, I’ve never played golf with anyone who can play golf as well as
this before." and the fellow says "Not bad for a bloke with a disability was it ?" and the lady says, "Come on you haven’t got a disability" and he says "I have. I have a wooden arm", and she says "C’mon!!!" and with that he screws off his wooden arm, and she says "WOW!"
The second fellow steps up to the tee, addresses, and hits quite a good drive, about 20 yards further than the first bloke’s but a bit to the right, and the lady says, "Oooooh!, I’ve never played golf with anyone who can play golf as well as this before." and the fellow says "Not bad for a bloke with a disability was it?", and she says "C’mon you haven’t got a wooden arm!!" and he says "No, I have a wooden leg." and with that he screws off his leg. She says "WOW!!"
The third fellow steps up to the tee and hits a screamer, just short of the green, and the lady says, "Oooooh!, I’ve never played golf with anyone who can play golf as well as this before! I suppose you are going to tell me that you have a disability." He says "Well, as a matter of fact, yes I do." and she says, "Well I can see you haven’t got a wooden arm or a wooden leg??". He says "No, as a matter of fact I have a wooden heart." and she says, "C’mon, you don’t expect me to believe that!!" and he says "Come on and I will show you." and with that he takes her hand and they disappear down into the rough beside the fairway.


Pretty soon the other two fellows get fed up with waiting to continue so they creep down and peer over the bushes and sure enough there he is screwing his heart out.

[coucho]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time: PRICELESS

[coucho]

>A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
>him. She says hello.
>He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
>
>So he says, "Do you know me?"
>To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
>Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to
>his wife and says,
>
>"My God, are you the stripper from my friend's bachelor party that I
made
>love to on the pool table
> with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with
wet
>celery?"
>
>
>She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
>"No, I'm your son's teacher.

[coucho]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cutright in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto theshoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his windowand gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely andwave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic,and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure Ipass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying orunrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females haveseriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weaponsand this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that hasa lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriouslyconsidered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so!

[coucho]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such an intriguing and seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you
find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a
gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is
honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door- it is made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.

[coucho]

A father passing by his
son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything
was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, it was
addressed, "Dad."
With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad.


It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you.


I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew
you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her
tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.


But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we
will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter.


We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.



In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!



Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.



Love, your son, John.


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[BGG]

The Itch...

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him
1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber,
Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............ Pay your bills

[Donny Boy]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding
anniversary when the wife says................

'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.
Before we were married ..............I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says .........
'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you.
In fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our life a bit?'

She said ..............................

'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Western Suburbs .........

[BobbyJ123]

Katie Couric,from American CBS News programme, while interviewing a Royal Marine sniper in Afghanistan, asked:

"What do you feel when you shoot a Taliban Fighter?"



The Marine shrugged and replied, "A slight recoil."



Hard to fault a Marine who is that eloquent!!