Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

Two guys in Bunnings

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big bo*obs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

Most old timers are helpful like that!

[sandman55]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the damn light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NOBODY EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE !@#&*( TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.

What was the question?

[charleville]

A bloke went to see his neighbour and knocked on their door. When the lady of the house answered, he thought she looked a bit pale and upset. He asked her if her husband was in. 'Johnny passed away this morning I'm afraid' she said.



'Oh dear, that's awful' the bloke said 'What on earth happened?'



'Well he just told me that he felt a little poorly and took to his bed and that was it'



The bloke didn't know what to say. He asked if she was with him at the end. 'Yes. I was' she sobbed. The bloke enquired if he managed any last words. 'Well, yes a few' she said.



So the bloke asked her, 'He didn't say anything about a tin of red paint did he?'








.

[sandman55]

The Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That''s great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that''s it!" He turned to his wife.. ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

[sandman55]

A vegetative state

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room chatting about things and......life... and... Then, we talked about living and dying.

I said to her: ' Dear, if ever I end up in a vegetative state when you are alive, please never let me go on like that.....totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die'.

Up went my wife from the sofa, with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the Ipod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!

[groverwa]

The Eunuch's Association There is a Eunuch's Association in India that has a limited membership. There are only 500 members allowed at any one time.

Each year they have their AGM at the Calcutta Race Club and after the business session has concluded they stage a race around the track for all 500 members.

The race is called the India Knackerless 500.

[Chimo]

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird... My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Chimo]

THE FUNERAL

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well who is in the second hearse?"

"His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[akman1]

No offence but I'm over reading the same jokes time and time again with only a couple of word changes......

[danryan75]

nobody is making you read them

[Sea-Dog]

(spoken in General Berkholter from Hogan's Heros accent)
Akman1, you must read the jokes and do not stop until we tell you to stop.

When you reach the end, just start at page 1 again.

Am I clear?

[Chimo]

SD et al

Don't be so harsh, some of us have better memories than others ....

.........................................now what was I writing this post about............. don't tell me it'll come to me .................. Nuh lost it ...........

C

[TimiBoy]

I remember getting criticised for publishing a repeat. Here's the thing;

Is it a requirement to check every one of 50 odd pages before placing a joke? Obviously not.

Maybe those complaining might have a rethink - I'm wondering who the joke's on, if they're really that offended...

Take a chill pill, eh?

Cheers,

Tim

[Noelm]

if you do not know it, there was a guy many years ago who was used to put out oil well fires, his name was Red Adair (that's true by the way)
So as it happened there was a huge Oil well fire in Texas, but due to the recession, not a lot of money was available to fight it, so the boss had heard of the famous Oil well fire fighter from Ireland, Green Adair, a quick call to him, they agree on a price and he sets off to texas, when the plane arrives, it is a big Green Jumbo, it stops on the runway near the fire and the rear drops down and out comes a big green fire truck with a dozen guys in green overalls in the back, it roars up to the welcome party, but doesn't stop, it just goes straight past, towards the Police line, and it still does not stop, the Police all jump for their lives, and it continues onto the fire and races straight in and bangs into the well, out jump all the fireman and beat the fire out with wet Potatoe sacks, when it is extinguished, they are all black and burnt, and Green Adair turns to Paddy and say, Paddy, when we get our money, the first thing we are going to do is "fix the brakes on that f*&king truck!!!

[Chimo]

Back on the horse again....Giddy Up

Golf

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Any night you want."