Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[happyaz]

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast.
He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, an old Sergeant and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately, some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe, some really good news".
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. She's obviously been out diving and young Bill here found her about ten metres down, wedged in a little cleft in the reef. He managed to get a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead - obviously."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs hanging onto her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."
And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... Now, what's the really good news?
"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!.... you fancy comin' with us?"

[Black_Rat]

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A. He doesn't want the other bunnies to know that he was fooling around with the chickens.


Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.

Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march



The Rules of Chocolate


If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Don't shoot me for this it was an email from the receptionist at work and in keeping with the bunnie theme, serioulsy it wasn't me it really wasn't !

[Dignity]

The Marriage counsellor


A husband and wife came for counselling after 40 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 40 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on:- neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for some length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, and took her into his arms in an intimate, loving embrace and, holding her face gently between his hands, kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up, and finally, mesmorized, sank down again into her chair in a daze, with a smile on her face.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "You see! - This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this for her?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,..

"Well, I can definitely drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I go fishing."

[Dignity]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the
ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.
Life has now been explained to you...

[Tony_N]

This has probably been up before, but....

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's>good)....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[luigi]

Economic Models explained with cows - 2007 update


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and
then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM (????)
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow
has dropped dead.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL (???)
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high
bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real
situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
of a Democracy....

A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Your cousin is jealous and wants one, so he starts a
civil war over it!

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to
celebrate.

[breamnut]

do they have to be G rated?

[Dignity]

do they have to be G rated?

breamnut, there have been many border line cases but remember there are many young anglers of both persuasions that are members of this board. Wew don't want to drive them away.

[jtpython]

This is AWFUL but really funny - apologies to those who think its a bit sick!






A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.
On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leavingwhat was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital. He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the h ospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's c ondition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were o ut for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care and you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

[FISHNICK]

Irish First Aid.......

A Woman Is Sitting In A Restaurant Suddenly Began To Cough.
After A Few Sconds It Became Apparent That She Was In Real Distress When Two Locals, Paddy & Murphy Sitting At The Next Table Turned To Look At Her.
Kin Ya Swalla? Asked Paddy.
The Woman Signalled 'no' Desperately Shaking Her Head.
Kin Ya Breathe? Asked Murphy.
The Woman Shook Her Head 'no!!!'
With That, Paddy Walked Behind Her, Lifted Up The Back Of Her Dress, Yanked Down Her Knickers & Ran His Tongue Up & Down The Crack Of Her Backside.
This Shocked The Woman Into Such A Violent Spasm That The Obstruction Flew Out Of Her Mouth & She Began To Breathe Again.
Paddy Swaggered Back To His Table And Took A Deep Swig Of His Beer.
Murphy Said In Admiration " Ya Know Paddy, I'd Heard Of That Bloody Hind-lick Manoeuvre, But That's The First Time I Ever Saw Somebody Do It!

[WHALEOIL]

An Australian touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following
a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next
table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He
asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those
are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The Australian, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,
I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will
be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the Australian returned, placed his order, and
then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy
of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of
his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."

[slyman]

Wife came home one day to find her husband stalking around the kitchen with the fly swatter in his hand.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Killing flies" says he.

"Got many yet?" she asks

"Yep, three males and two females" says he.

"o....kay" says she, "how can you tell the difference?"

"Well three were on a beer can and two were on the phone".

[foggy]

STATE OF ORIGIN

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NSW State ofOrigin fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are NSWState of Origin fans too.

Not really knowing what a NSW State of Origin fan was, but wanting to beliked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception.. Janet has not gone along with thecrowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a NSW State of Origin fan," she answers.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a QLD State of Origin fan" boasts the little girl.

The teacher asks Janet why she is a QLD State of Origin fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mum are QLD State of Origin fans, so I'm a QLD Stateof Origin fan too" she responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mum was a moron andyour dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a NSW State of Origin fan".

Signed

A QUEENSLANDER!

[Chimo]

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The professor replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler.”

[seabug]

An Atheist was exploring the African jungle when he was confronted by a large lion.
He screamed "Oh My God"
God replied "Why come to me for help,you do not beleive in me"
He replied"But I was desparate"
God said"That no excuse,I cannot help you"
"Well then, can you make the lion a christian."
"That will be OK "said God"Consider it done"
With that ,the lion sat back on his haunches,put his front paws together and said,
"For what we are about to receive O Lord may we be truly thankful"

Regards
seabug