Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[tigermullet]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his ##### into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.



One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.



"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.



"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my ##### into the pickle slicer?"



"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.



"Yes, I did." he replied.



"My God, Bill, what happened?"



"I got fired."



"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"



"Oh...she got fired too."

[finga]

This is the go.

[Marlin_Mike]

I aint showing my wife that one Finga...........

[Broken_Bibs]

Two blokes are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up,takes off his cap,bows his head .
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says,"That was touching .
I didn't know you had it in you".
The first guy responds,
"Well, I guess it was the thing to do-after all, I was married to her for 40 years".

[seabug]

see 19-2-2007

[seabug]

The four stages of old age

1. You forget peoples names

2. You forget peoples faces

3.You forget to do up your fly

4.You forget to undo it

Regards
seabug

[GAFYM]

A little boy is sitting in the bath and he looks down at his testicles
and says to his mother

"Are these my brains mum"

"Not yet" she says

[harry_h01]

Something from the Swamp

Attachment 1871

[Sailfisher]

A Doctor in Newfoundland A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"."Yes, sir!" answers Garge.The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, how was your day?"Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.""Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor."The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge."Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor."Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs. She said 'Help me, I haven't seen a man for five years'!''"And what did you do Garge?" asks the doctor."I put drops in her eyes."

[dayoo]

How do you circumsize a whale?
Use foreskin (four skin) divers

[Hot_Snappa]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Ross, The Dragon Slayer, knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them.

One day, Ross revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio, the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Ross, the Dragon Slayer, to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Ross, the Dragon Slayer, readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio, the Physician, made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio, the Physician, informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Ross, the Dragon Slayer, would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Ross, the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio, the Physician, then slipped Ross, the Dragon Slayer, the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Ross worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Ross, the Dragon Slayer, left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Ross, the Dragon Slayer, found Horatio, the Physician, demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Ross, the Dragon Slayer, couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio, the Physician, could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio, the Physician, slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Ross, the Dragon Slayer.

The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - - - Pay your bills............

[harry_h01]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[harry_h01]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his
wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he
fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was
now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

[harry_h01]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[SteveCan]

Metaphors Found in NSW Year 12 English essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guywho went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking athigh schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without oneof those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.