What is a Shih Tzu?
See next post for answer
What is a Shih Tzu?
See next post for answer
A zoo without any animals
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.
Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts saying, "Honey, could fix the light in the hallway? It has been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her, then says testily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have G.E. written on my forehead? I don't think so.
"Fine," says the wife. Then says, "Well then, could fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
"Fix the fridge door?" he responds. "Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says. "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he snaps irritably. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. In fact, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" he growls, then leaves without another word.
After drinking at the bar for a couple of hours, he begins to feel guilty about he treated his wife and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps to the front door have been fixed. He then notices that the hall light is no longer flickering. It, too, has been fixed. He goes to get a beer and notices the fridge door has also been fixed.
"Honey, he asked, "how did all this stuff get fixed?"
"Well, when you left I sat outside on the porch and cried," she said. "Just then a nice young man asked what was wrong, so I told him. He then offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do in return was either go to bed with him or bake a cake," she explained.
"So, what kind of cake did you bake?" asked her husband.
"Helloooo ...," she responded, "Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
judgeing from you jokes basserman it looks like there is another website we both visit
i know NOTHING
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller, "Why get less money than got last week?"
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said: " Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
-------------------------------
Veni, Vidi, Fishi
I came, I saw, I Fished
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.
WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT! LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU!!"
TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so sit down for a mo?" he says. "That's really cool,” says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they may go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if she gets a chance!"
Well this made Bobby's eyes light up, and he immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father,"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!"
A bit long winded but what the heck. ****A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. From the name badge he can see her name is patricia Whack, so he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan, buy a boat and go on a long holiday". Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$60,000-00". The teller asks his name and he replies that his name is Freddo Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the manager. Patti explains that $60,000-00 is a substantial amount and that he would have to provide some collateral security. "That's OK , I have this" and he pulls from his pocket a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, only an inch long and complete in every detail.. Now very confused patti says "Excuse me but I will have toi speak to my manager", and dis appears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Freddo Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $60,000-00, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny rod and reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??" The manager looks calmly back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
global moderator
she is wearing a bikini
"whats the time"
Post has been romoved. This is a family site, do not post pics such as that on the site. Thank youOriginally Posted by snappa
global moderator
Steve
Was mine too offensive as well ??? ??? ??? ??? ???
Tony ???
A bloke goes into a bar and orders a dozen glasses of the most expensive scotch whiskey they have. When he gets them, he starts drinking them real fast.
The bartender, seeing this, asks:"Why are you drinking so fast?"
The bloke says:"You would too if you had what I have."
"Whats that?" the bartender asks.
"50c," said the man.
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