Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[DaneCross]

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

[DR]

While walking down the street one day a Federal Politician
is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you
settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up.
What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
Then you can choose were to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in
heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit
heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp
and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The politician reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the door of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday
we were campaigning......
Today you voted

[zedjack33]

True meanings

AVERAGE:
Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
#######.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.

[adriancorrea]

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their shopping trolleys
collide. The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for
my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going." The second guy
says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a
little desperate." The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does
your wife look like?" The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair,
wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your
wife look like?" To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for
yours."

[adriancorrea]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.She was afraid she might have something wrong with her.She decided to seek the advice of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room,
Dr. Chang said, OK, take off all you crose.
The woman did as she was told.
Now, get down and craw reery ,reery fass to odder side of room.
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said " OK. now craw reery, reery fass back to me.
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said Your probrem vely bad.
You haf Ed Zachery Disease. Worse case i ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates. "
Worried, the woman asked anxiously.
" Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease ?."
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and said, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."

[adriancorrea]

ANSWERING MACHINE AT MENTAL HOSPITAL >


Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.....
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call,
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic -depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't pres any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[reelcrazy]

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman

- Two French men and one French woman

- Two German men and one German woman

- Two Greek men and one Greek woman

- Two English men and one English woman

- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

- Two Irish men and one Irish woman

- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman

- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois

- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman

- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

- The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island

- The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions

- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquorstore/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store

- The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun

- The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping

[zedjack33]

Useful one-liners


Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet !!
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you

[littlejim]

Not a joke but should demonstrate to tourists what a friendly mob Aussies are.

On a trip up to Sydney on the Princes highway saw some body had modified the roadsign from:

'How Fast Are You Going Now?' to
'How Are You Goin ?'

[scatter1]

a south sydney supporter dies and goes to hell. the devil says "suffer in the extreme heat of hell's furnace!" but the man looks comfortable. "reminds me of a nice summer day at the rabbitoh's game." "oh yeah?" says the devil. with a sweep of his hand the chamber becomes twice as hot. "lovely," says the man "feels like a scorcher at Bondi, one of my favourite things!" "then take this!" screams the enraged devil, and the entire place is suddenly covered in ice and snow. the man leaps to his feet sporting the biggest grin you have ever seen. "this is fantastic!" he cries. "what?" tells the devil. the man turns to him "hell's frozen over, the rabbitohs have won the premiership!"

[scatter1]

alternate word meanings

pokemon - a jamaican proctologist
inuendo - an italian suppository

[wacco_fozzy]

A salesman is pressing a farmer about the finer points of his new combine when he suddenly notices one of the roosters in the farmer's yard.

The rooster is wearing a shirt, and pants with suspenders. It's all he can do to not gasp.


"What the hell is that all about?" he asks the farmer.

"A year or two ago, we had a fire in the chicken coop," the farmer explains. "That rooster stayed in there until all the hens could get out, and he ended up with all his feathers burned off. Well, the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"That's amazing," the salesman said. "But you have to admit, it looks kinda funny."

"That ain't nothin'," the farmer says. "You should see him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

[fishy_phil]

gday
ever wonder what the spanish call a mitsubishi pajero???

it sure as hell aint 'pajero'.

in spanish 'pajero' means ######...
just think of it you walk into a car dealer and say excuse me can i see the ######??

i think there must be some sort of underlying message there.
cheers
phil

[Big_Kev]

Whats got 6 legs and goes around and around in circles in the padock?
A; A ram doing a ewie.

[basserman]

One night, a torrential rain soaked south Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes in the area.


Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.


Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house.


It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs.Boudreaux, "Do you see that there baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, then back again?"


Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, that's my husbands. I told that jackass he's gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water."