Billy Bob says to Lester,
"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says,
"So what you gonna do different this year?" Billy Bob says,
"This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
What could go wrong.......................
world's shortest fairy tale
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl"will you marry me"
the girl said "no"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went to the
footy went fishing and played golf a lot drank beer and
farted whenever he wanted
The End.
Never argue with a woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the Woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
2 Drunk Guys
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks: Where are you from?
I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.
The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
Of Course, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from?
Dublin, comes the reply.
I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.
Of course, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to?
Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.
This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender.
Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again..................
"Everyone should believe in somethin'.. I believe I'll go fishing."
Never argue with a woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the Woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated
Funny,
Sea-Dog
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in up state New York.
She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
1 Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans
2 Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans
3 Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans
4 Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans
5 Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans
CONCLUSION.....
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A new month toady so a bit of humour to start of the month.
Three engineers were going out for a business lunch. They got in the car and set off. A few miles down the road, it spluttered and ground to a halt.
The Mechanical Engineer said, "Perhaps the fuel line's blocked".
The Electrical Engineer said, "Maybe the battery lead's come off".
The Software Engineer said, "I haven't got a clue what's wrong with it, but if we all get out, and get back in again, then it might work".
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospitalwaiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One isan Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian.
They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do,in these situations.
All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doorssaying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all hadtheir babies within 5 minutes of each other."
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy." And,"said the doctor, "They have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said."Inall the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to thenursery and we would be grateful if you could join us there to tryand help identify them.”
With that the Aussie raced past the doctor and bolted to thenursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant withdreadlocks saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!
"The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all thebabies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of West Indian descent.
"That's a maybe," said the Aussie, "but one of the other twoisa bloody Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk."
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,
and by hand. This virus is called Wornout-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely!
This is serious, don't laugh!!
If you should come into contact with WORK, the only remedy is to put
your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bottle store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract
(WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote REPEATEDLY until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
THE NEXT TIME YOU GET A HAMBURGER AT McD'S,
JUST REMEMBER THIS...
Watch the meatball. I hope this works. (Be patient..it takes a minute!)
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, " Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further .
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home .
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!!
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