Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[harry_h01]

For those of you who have wondered what Santa goes through prior to Xmas, read below.


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from CASA.It was shortly before Christmas when the examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride.

Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a rifle.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[Oldsalt]

They have decided to name the new stand at the MCG after Shane Warne they're calling it the One Night Stand

[Chimo]

A Happy Healthy New Year to All Ausfishers


Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

[Cammy]

this is old and stupid and is probly on here already

y did the blonde climb over the glass wall - to see wot was on the other

side

[charleville]

Cricket lovers and others will roll around the floor over this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Wj-RHiD3fg

[mines_bigger]

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen poddy mullet. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

[caught-ya]

there was a blonde and a brunette walking through a park,
the brunette stops and says "aaawww look at the dead birdy"

the blonde stops and looks up and says "where"??

bassamundi,

[caught-ya]

there was a blonde a brunnette and a red head and they were all sitting in a bar and they all hear about this magic mirror in the bathroom that gives you things if you sat something true and if you say a lie you get sucked into the mirror forever

so the brunnette goes into the bathroom and says to the mirror " I think i'm the most prettiest girl in the bar" and boof, she gets one million dollars.

then the red head walks in and says " i think i'm the most pretiest girl in the bar" and boof, she gets a car.

then the blonde walks in and says "i think" and boof, she gets sucked into the mirror forever

bassamundi,

[caught-ya]

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, :There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

bassamundi

[caught-ya]

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

bassamundi,

[jtpython]

Thought this was pretty stupid. Enuff to laugh at it thou


An expedition kayaker gets lost in a chain of deserted islands. Paddling well after sunset he finally camps on a sandy beach. He wakes up and notices the sand is dark red. The sky is dark red. He walks around and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!"

[Dignity]

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

bassamundi,

me thinks this was on a NSW beach and the "another man" was "kiwi mate" - now it makes more sense

[Dignity]

ok so christmas is over nut...................


The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White
stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she
went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a
cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can
anyone hear me". A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "England
will win the Ashes"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"

[Dignity]

while on the subject

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.



"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."



The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[harry_h01]

The English cricket board are making a help-line available for disillusioned fans who are disappointed with their team's 'shock' crushing by Australia in the 2006/2007 Ashes Tour.

The help-line number is 1800 10 10 10


That's 1800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!!!

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Question: What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a English cricket shirt to bed?


Answer: You ain't gonna score!!!


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Osama Bin Laden has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday.

To prove that appearance was not pre-recorded Osama stated that he, "watched the Ashes on the weekend and England were crap!"

UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could of happened any time over the decade.


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Question: What is the difference between England and an arsonist?

Answer: An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches...