Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[fish2eat]

more for Christmas

[PinHead]

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsmen applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he were an Englishman?
A. An allrounder

Q.What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they are not English

Q. What is the English version of a hat trick?
A. 3 runs in 3 balls

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Englsih batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiet English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another sad horrific English series

Q. What's the English verion of LBW?
A. Lost, beaten and walloped

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

[roz]

Greg,

You're a man that shares my sense of humour.

Only TWO more sleeps!!!! Yeeee Haaaaa!!!

cheers roz.

BTW (I've said this before) but ,what's the best thing about Christmas?
A. The Boxing Day Test!!

[Canoedle]

Geez, and we almost thought they were going to put up a fight there too, for about an hour.

[Dignity]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was
the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[Dignity]

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed

25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?" The proud father answers: "17 pounds". The bartender is puzzled and concerned. What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born. The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says "Had him circumcised!"

[Dignity]

When Insults had real Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wild

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder

[Dignity]

Christmas cards for the disturbed........................

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy, can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle .......

[Poodroo]

Dear Napisan,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used
It since the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it
was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find
it even better. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to
berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his
blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I
Purchased a bottle of liquid Napisan with bleach alternative, and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all the stains came out. In fact, the
stains came out so well, that the detectives who came by yesterday
told me the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect
in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief I thank you, once
again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the GladBag people.

Signed, A Relieved Menopausal Wife

[freddofrog]

Go to put on your office wall

[beaross]

A bloke was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bloody shoes on!"

[Dignity]

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them

[gogecko]

Fishing in New Zealand.

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/5/Jump+Fishing/

[Hoges]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but

Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." [smiley=shocked.gif]

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
[smiley=thumbsup.gif]

[Dignity]

Little Johnny Christmas story.

Johnny goes to his mother and says "Mum, I want a bike for Christmas". She goes " No way , you've been an absolute brat this year, go and pray to God, that is the only way"

So he goes to his room and writes a letter "Dear God, I have beeen a good boy all year and I want a bike for Christams" Johny reads the letter and thinks, God knows I haven't been good so he tears the letter up and starts again. "Dear God, I have tried to be a good boy all year and I want a bike for christmas." After he has finished he decides God knows he hasn't really tried so he throws this letter in the bin. He then decides he needs to go for a walk.

As he is passing the local church he goes in and decides he will pray to God to get abike. On his way out he passes by several statues and decides to pull the statue of the Viirgin Mary out and take it home. When he gets home he puts the statue under the bed and starts another letter.

"Dear God, I have your mumma, if you want her back ..................."

Merry Christmas to all and hope you have a safe one and see you all next year. I am off to Awinya Creek on Fraser and be back just in time for the New Year.

Sam