Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Further to the holiday spirit,

If you holiday in Canada don't compete for fish with these guys

[husserhunter]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

how do kiwi's find sheep in the long grass?

very appelling

[imnotoriginal]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

How do kiwis find their sheep in the dark?

MAAAAAAAArvellous!

Joel

[aussiefool]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

I think that I will try this!!


HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want
To delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
Works for me!

[Dignity]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.



Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined
below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed.



Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."



MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


**********************************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up required distance to align car window with machine.
3. Set parking brake, put window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into appropriate slot.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[Dignity]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs.Ward,please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.
"Normally we can, but OHIP will only pay for these expensive tests
onetime."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at OHIP recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

[imported_admin]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Just found this on my hard drive while I was doing some sorting out.

This was around the net in 1998 and was one of the most E-mailed files of its time. It was done originally without the music just to demo what the software that it was done in could do. Someone added the music and around the world it went. Just found it on my hard drive so thought I would share.

It is called Dancing Baby or Ooga Baby

There was one around of a Fishing Baby but the file on my system want play, will see it I can find it.

[media]http://www.ausfish.com.au/baby/oogababy.avi[/media]

The image is a bit pixelated in this version as teh media player stretches the image.

Original file is at http://www.ausfish.com.au/baby/oogababy.avi

[fish2eat]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

get out he christmas jokes

[harry_h01]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Merry Christmas

[harry_h01]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[harry_h01]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[PADDLES]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

A man walked into the produce section of this local supermarket in Sydney and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some @sshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Brisbane, sir" the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Brisbane?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and football players!"

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Brisbane."

"No sh!t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?

[Lone_Wolf]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him
his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole
in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is
this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand,
one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping
aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and
cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy
Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers
for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and everyone
of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir
Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight!
Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my
power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[imported_admin]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

On the subject of Christmas

[media]http://www.youtube.com/v/Natn4bAfEk0[/media]

[marlinqld]

Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

LMAO what a classic Steve...and how true is it???????

Mike