Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[harry_h01]

Two nuns and a mother supieror awaited entry at the pearly gates. Saint Peter told them, "I must ask each of you a question. If you get the answer right: lightening will flash, thunder will boom and the gates of Heaven will open." He then asked the first nun in line, "who was the first man?"
"That's easy, it was Adam," she replied."
Lightening flashed, thunder boomed and the gates of Heaven opened.
"Who was the first woman," Saint Peter asked the second nun.
"That's real easy too," she beamed. "It was Eve, of course."
Lightening flashed, thunder boomed and the gates of Heaven opened.
"Now since you are a mother superior, I'm required to ask you something a little more difficult," Saint Peter intoned. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?"
She said, "Gee, that is a hard one."
Lightening flashed, thunder boomed...and the gates of heaven opened.

[harry_h01]

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear
for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he
waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before
the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day
and he would have to return the following day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared,

"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.

"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two
more words."

[harry_h01]

Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the market..

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and
reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can
cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than
Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the
time and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to
identify who to cross off the dating pool.

[harry_h01]

MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES
(and other social catastrophes)

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

[Joe_N]

Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he visited
one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
"tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a
'tragedy'".
" No," said Howard, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister
"That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
John searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a
quiet voice he said:
"If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Howard was struck by a
"friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
"Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right. And can you tell me
why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss
and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."

[seabug]

Tickle Me Elmo
>
> There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the
>Tickle Me Elmo
> toys.
>
> The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
>
> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
>reports for her
> first day promptly at 8:00 AM .
>
> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel
>Manager's door.
>
> The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the
>new employee.
>
> He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line
>is backing up,
> putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,
>so the 2 men
> march down to the factory floor.
>
> When they get there the line is so backed up that there are
>Tickle Me Elmo's
> all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to
>pile up.
>
> At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of
>Tickle Me
> Elmo's.
>
> She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
>marbles.
>
> The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
>fabric, wraps it
> around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
>package between
> Elmo's legs.
>
> The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
>
> After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together
>and approaches
> Lena .
>
> "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight
>face, "but I
> think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
>yesterday..."
>
> "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
>
>

[fishingbarry]

Two guys from Melbourne are quietly sitting in a boat at Lake Bolac , Victoria fishing and tubeing down a VB when suddenly Dick says,



"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Bill takes a sip out of his stubby and says, "You better think it over mate - women like that are hard to find."

[Dignity]

fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mother and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[seabug]

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

...... Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***


******Longer Pause******


Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??"

[mowerman]

Amazing new invention.

Just released on the market.

What am I offered for one of these.

[reelcrazy]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,




"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[fish2eat]

Brant Webb and Todd Russell caught up in a pub recently to catch up after their experience of being trapped at the Beaconsfield mine disaster.

Todd said, "you know Brant, when I said to cut my leg off if you couldn't clear the rocks off it, I really meant it"

Brant says, "don't be silly Todd, who would want a one legged gold digger?"

Todd says" I thought I might give Paul McCartney a call...."

[SteveCan]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.



News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"



"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"



After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.



It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.



Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".



Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"



Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.



A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm
f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"



Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:



I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river



These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

[harry_h01]

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street, and they see a sign on
a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50
each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob
of these, take'em back to Manly, sell 'em to our friends, and make a
fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they
might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll
talk in a slow Victorian drawl so's they don't know we is from Sydney."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Victorian drawl, "I'll take 50
of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50
pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup
and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Sydney, ain't
ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.... "How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

[imnotoriginal]

Dead Parrot



At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the

caretaker at your country house."



"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"



"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot

died.



"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"



"Is, Senor, that's the one."



"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."



"What did he die from?"



"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"



"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."



"Dead horse? What dead horse?"



"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."



"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"



"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."



"Are you insane? What water cart?"



"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"



"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"



"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught

on fire."



"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed

because of a candle??!!!



"Yes Senor Rod."



"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"



"For the funeral, Senor Rod."



"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??"



"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue

and I thought she was a thief, So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods' Nike

Driver."





SILENCE.................. , LONG SILENCE....





"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"