y do the birds fly upsidedown in newzeland ?????????????????????
because the kiwies are'nt worth shitting on
no afence to all the kiwies
bronson
y do the birds fly upsidedown in newzeland ?????????????????????
because the kiwies are'nt worth shitting on
no afence to all the kiwies
bronson
2 men walked into a bar the 3rd one ducked..............?????????????
bronson
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders
hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:
"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the
little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one
to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?
Two blondes living in Adelaide were sitting on a bench talking and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Sydney
or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooo, can you see
Sydney...?????"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if
he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's a blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S SURGERY
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's surgery and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
She pushed her elbow and screamed.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"
What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party
The Top 10 reasons why a handgun is better than a woman
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for
when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he
will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a
backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of
ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you
use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
Why is it called PMS?--
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
[smiley=laola.gif] [smiley=laola.gif] [smiley=lolk.gif] [smiley=lolk.gif] [smiley=smash.gif]
Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
[smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif] [smiley=thumbsup.gif]
Tongue Twister
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."
The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you bitch.''[smiley=whip.gif] [smiley=whip.gif] [smiley=smitten.gif] [smiley=smitten.gif] [smiley=smitten.gif]
Understanding a Woman
We need REALLY MEANS I want
[smiley=smash.gif]--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You want REALLY MEANS You need
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes REALLY MEANS No
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No REALLY MEANS No
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe REALLY MEANS No
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your credit card?
Two old maids were grocery shopping. The sign said `Bananas - 3 for 50 cents. So they put two in the shopping cart. One said to the other, "How much will that be apiece?" The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to." So the first old maid said, " Heck, just get three. That'll be25 cents each and we can eat the other one.
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as ususal, 'I have a headache.'
Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin.'
************************************************** ********
A husband comes home to find his wife in the living room with her suitcases packed.
'Where the hell do you think you're going?' he asks.
'I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you for free!'
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down with his suitcase packed as well.
'Where do you think you're going?' the wife exclaims.
'I'm coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!'
************************************************** *******
The husband usually went out on a Friday night to play cards with his mates. But on this Friday he felt a bit crook and so was watching television with his wife, who seemed strained and nervous. Right in the middle of the program the phone rang. 'Don't answer it,' said the wife rather anxiously. But the husband picked up the receiver, listened for a few seconds an said: ‘I’ve no bloody idea. Why don’t you call the bloody coastguard?' And slammed the receiver down.
'Who was that?' asked his wife, her eyes wide with anxiety.
‘I dunno,’ said the husband, ‘some ######## wanted to know if the coast was clear.’
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, after which you'll be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about that toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move andshould, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote