Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[gunnabuild1]

A male patient is lying in bed after a heart attack,with his mouth covered by an oxygen mask.A young student nurse enters the room to give a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind his oxgen mask"are my testicles black?"I dont know sir"she replies embarrassed"I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet"He struggles to ask again "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that worrying about his testicles may elevate his heart rate and blood pressure she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers,lifts his robe and grasps his manhood in one hand and uses her other hand to hold his testicles after an inspection she said "Sir there's nothing wrong with them"
The man takes off his oxygen mask smiles and very slowly says"That was wonderful, now listen carefully, Are-my-test-results-back?

[theVan]

I am sure this must have been told on this site before, but I just heard it and cracked up.





A husband came home from work to find his beautiful wife standing seductively in the hallway in sexy lingerie.

She said " you can tie me up and do anything you want"

He tied her up, ............ and went fishing!

[SIRO]

5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2006





Smart Ass Answer #5:



A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As

a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his

trench coat and flashed her.



Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your

stub."



*****************



Smart Ass Answer #4:



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she

couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do

these turkeys get any bigger?"



The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



*******************



Smart Ass Answer #3:



The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled

down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.



The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop

finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



***********************



Smart Ass Answer #2:



A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,

"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and

he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a

police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck

driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,

"Got stuck, huh?"



The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of

gas."



***********************



#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................



A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.



"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I

might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or

a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses

whatsoever!"



A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What

would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter

sexual exhaustion?"



The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was

restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and

sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other

hand."

[Duyz72]

God sent an angel down to Earth to give him an update on humanity.
The angel spent a week living amongst the people to get a feel for what Gods creations had become while utilising Gods gift of self determination.
He came back and told God that 95% of the people were bad and only 5% were worthy.
God was not pleased, but decided to send down a second angel to verify, this time a female angel to see if that made any difference.
The second angel spent a month living with the people becoming one of them, working with them, eating, drinking and sleeping with them.
She came back and confirmed to God that 95% of the people were bad and only 5% were worthy of his affection.
This came as quite a shock to God, so he decided to do something about it.
God sent an e-mail to the 5% of people who were worthy in an attempt to sort this whole thing out.
And do you know what that e-mail said?. . . . .No? . . . .Yeah, I didn't get one either!

[Camo]

A blonde's house catches on fire. So she calls the fire brigade.
'My house is on fire! My house is on fire!
'How do we get there?' says the fire captain.
An she says: 'Duh in the big red truck.

*******************************************
A blonde is standing at a vending machine putting money in the slot and collecting can after can of coke. A bloke behind her is getting more and more impatient. 'For Christ's sake hurry up!' he said.
The Blonde says, 'Can't you see I'm winning.'

[redspeckle]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"



As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching".


MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid

and not all blondes are dumb,

but all men are men!!

Mitch

[Dignity]

The following are all replies that Dallas, Texas women have written on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "Father's
details".
Or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine
excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 11. It takes 1st
prize and #3 is runner up.


1. Regarding. The identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.


2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.


3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you
send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country.

Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the
same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borned at the same time .. Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night was a blur. The only thing I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I
had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive , I might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart.

[luigi]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**.

[harry_h01]

A golf story

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asked the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked as if it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a telephone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Ah, is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Oh, so THAT's when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

"No. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"That must have been the point," said the Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No it wasn't, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior said, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

[harry_h01]

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid-eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><>&l t;>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

<><><><><><>&l t;>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><>&l t;>

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

" Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

<><><><><><>&l t;>

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

<XXXXXXXXXX>

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

<XXXXXX>

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

<XXXXXX>

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

<XXXXXX>

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty."

<XXXXXX>
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

<XXXXXX>

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis

[Camo]

An old codger went to live in an old people's home, and after his first few days in residence, his son went to check on things. 'Well, Dad, how are you getting on?'
'Son, you'll never believe it, but when a nurse bathed me she got hold of my ##### and asked me if I'd like some relief,' said Dad with a toothless smile.
A few weeks later the son returned. But this time Dad seemed depressed. 'What's the matter, Dad?'
'Well, I fell in the corridor and a male nurse came up behind me and gave me one,' said the old codger.
'Dad, you have to take the rough with the smooth,' said the son. 'At least the nurse looks after you when you're in the bath.'
‘Yes,’ replied the old man, ‘but I only have a bath once a week. I fall over twice a day.’

[luigi]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting ...

Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I
was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how
about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a sh**head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important
at my age.

[donn]

did you hear about the kiwi who thought that the canning stock route was an annual event!

[Dignity]

How to get sick leave
I urgently needed a few days off from company I work for, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker, (who's a New Zealander), asked me what I was doing, so I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker, (the New Zealander) followed me, the Boss asked him
"... and where do you think you're going?"
He said, "I'm going home too bro - I can't work in the dark!"

[Bronson]

y did the girl fall of the swing?????????????????

because she had no arms


bronson