Reply With QuoteCamo. thats a good one.
.
P/S I hope that eye problem gets better. LMAO
signed tunaman
Son: Hey dad...where's the Taj Mahal?
Father: Ask your mother son, she puts everything away.
Camo. thats a good one.
P/S I hope that eye problem gets better. LMAO
signed tunaman
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
> $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
> stops
> at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
> clerk,
> "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
>
> "About 32," is the reply.
>
> "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
>
> A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
> the
> very same question.
>
> The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
>
> The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
>
> Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
> on
> her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
> and
> asks the clerk this burning question.
>
> The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
>
> Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
>
> While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
> to
> her the same question.
>
> He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
> was
> young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
>
> very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
> bra.
>
> Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
>
> They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
> best
> of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
>
> He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
> very
> slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
> pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
> against
> each other.
>
> After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
> I?"
>
> He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
> says,
> "Madam, you are 50."
>
> Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
>
> tell?"
>
> The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
>
> "I promise I won't." she says.
>
> "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
how many vegans does it take to eat a cow?. one if no-ones looking.
hubby
you want funny?
get ready to laugh
Two baby seals walk into a club
b-bam
No-one had the heart to tell him
MORE GREAT T-SHIRT SLOGANS
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
13) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.
14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
17) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
18) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
19) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
20) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog
21) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old)
22) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
23) "Procrastinate..... Now"
24) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"
25) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."
26) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
fella & his new wife go to sth america for a honeymoon, every day they take a wander in the jungle for a bit of fun in the sun together. last morning before their flight they are going for a last jungle stroll & notice this little clearing & in the middle of it is a minature skunk & a minature python fighting to the death, so the fella grabs them both & says, "cmon' hon, we'll take these home & make a fortune" the wife agrees & off they go. When they get to the airport their has been an attempted coup on the government & security is severly beefed up, the wife starts to panic cause she doesn't want to rot in a sth american jail for ever. So hubby drags her into the toilets & passes her the skunk, he grabs the python himself & says "i'll stick this down the front of my pants & you stick that in your knickers, no one will notice anything strange." well the wife was having none of that & said "but what about the smell" "oh well", hubby replies, "if it dies, it dies"
A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside
him and the window was wound down.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver.
"I said no way", replied the irritated youngster
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and FIFTY dollars eh?",quizzed the
driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.
"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies",
the driver offered.
"NO!", screamed the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?"
Asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it."
One of the sad signs of our times is that we have demonized those who produce, subsidized those who refuse to produce and canonized those who complain.
Thomas Sowell
Here guys this one is for the girls
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
”Clean my house."
Cheers
Steve
The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . . "
Wait for it. .
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
(oh shut up, and just forward IT! )
Cheers
Steve
I think I have found the ultimate boat for Troy & Pete....
They may even get along
A mono and a cat all at once...
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was
directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being
used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my Little Fife is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The
French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone
defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the
wrong bitch out the window.
Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a sinking ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the man blurted out: 'Make the entire ocean into beer!'
Immediately the genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension he spoke. 'Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!'
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